


Even Stars Burn Out

by Bates



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cancer, F/F, F/M, Funeral, Grief, Hospital, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Oxygen Tank, Sick Gabriel, Sick Sam Winchester, Slow Burn, TFiOS!AU, alternative universe - the fault in our stars, chemo - Freeform, prosthetic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-26 05:12:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3838393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bates/pseuds/Bates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gabriel and Sam meet for the very first time during chemo, both in varying stages of their illness. While Sam is officially in remission, Gabriel is about to start a new cycle of chemo that is hopefully his last one for a while. Their first meeting is awkward, capital A awkward.  When they see each other again in support group, their friendship starts to blossom. Gabriel invites him over for a movie night and however reluctant, Sam agrees. Anything to stop his brother’s worrying. Soon, movie nights turns into late night Skype conversations and falling asleep while talking to each other. Sam finds himself falling for the other man, allowing himself the chance of perhaps getting something good in life. Faith decides otherwise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue;

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written for the [Gabriel Big Bang](http://gabrielbigbang.tumblr.com/) 2015\. First things first, check out [the amazing art](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3837163) created by [KDHeart](http://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/). They did such an amazing job at it. (The pictures aren't spoilers, but the recording is. Perhaps keep this until you've read the epilogue.)  
> I'd love to thank the [finally-its-cannon](http://finally-its-canon.tumblr.com/) for stepping in as a beta, even though it was pretty last minute - thank you!
> 
> Writing this fic was quite the roller coaster, my goodness. I hope you all enjoy it! Please leave a comment or kudo if you did, that would be amazing. If you'd be curious what inspired me while writing this, you can find the posts [here](http://mercilesssam.tumblr.com/tagged/even%20stars%20burn%20out).  
> Mind the tags however. After all, this still is a the fault in our stars au and this may not be for everyone.

 

 

_"You were a star, my dear,_

_the brightest in all the skies._

_But stars burn out, my dear,_

_and everything golden dies."_

**\- you were, my dear, is the saddest sentence left to say | p.d**

 

* * *

 

 

Months ago, the temperature in that exact same room had seemed to drop at least fifteen degrees when the doctor told Sam the news. The doctor told him in no more than six words, one sentence. _You are not doing well, Sam_. Just hearing that had broken his hopes that these were just growing pains, shattered them to pieces. _We found traces of osteosarcoma in your leg_. _We’re sorry._ Just the term osteosarcoma seemed so incredibly foreign.

                What Sam remembered of that appointment, and eventually being admitted, was looking to his family for support. Dean couldn’t even look him right in the eye. He remembered being admitted to the hospital so they could run all the tests they wanted and keep an eye on him. He remembered feeling so incredibly numb. While Mary and John arranged things and told the family, he just lay there in that hospital bed and stared at the ceiling; let the words run around in his head and let the diagnosis really hit him.

 

Today, today was different. They were sat in the same little room, with the same ugly paintings on the wall and the uncomfortable chairs he still couldn’t properly sit on. The news was happier, better. The operation had worked. He had to pay with his leg, but he got life. He got a second chance.

                He didn’t know why whoever was up there had decided to allow him to pull through, but they had done so. He couldn’t be any more grateful than in that moment. Of course, the cancer could still return. The doctor told him that in as many words, there was still a chance that he’d get a recurrence even though he was in remission.

 

That second chance meant going through chemo and treatment, and frequent checkups to make sure that the cancer wasn’t returning. Sooner rather than later, that treatment would too become unnecessary and all he’d have to do was come in for checkups.

His parents were even debating allowing him back to school full time if the scans stayed clear for long enough. It was what they had been working towards for quite a while now. They _knew_ how much he wanted to go back, to at least live the illusion that everything was magically okay again. Sick kids don’t get to go to school, going back meant being healthy.

As much as he missed going to school, he felt ashamed. Ashamed of the prosthetic that he now walked around with. Even mid-August, he walked around in jeans. It just felt wrong not to, as if people were staring at him everywhere he went

                Sam knew that he imaged it, that they didn’t actually stare; it just felt like they did. It was the main reason he steered clear of public places in the first place; nobody wanted to see a freak.

 

Hospital appointments were the worst usually; long and boring with too much pain and throwing up. Sam usually wasn’t too affected by the drugs, thank god, but it still wasn’t pleasant. He hated being hooked up to the machines, have the IV hooked up and let the nausea run free.

                Dean drove him to the clinic for the final time mid-August. It was too warm outside; the cool of the hospital welcoming for the first time in ages. Getting signed in and hooked up to his drip seemed to take forever. He was glad that the floor was calm, not exactly sure if he would have been able to put up with too many people around him now. Dean had dropped him off and then gone down to the cafeteria, per usual.

                Sam knew how uncomfortable his brother felt with his Osteosarcoma. In the past couple of months, their lives had made a complete 180, everything had changed. Suddenly, his silly younger brother wasn’t complaining about schoolwork anymore, Sam was complaining about phantom itches and sore muscles and losing weight, the whole package. Dean may not be used to it just yet, Sam wasn’t either, not by a long shot. Chemo wasn’t something that he’d think he’d ever get used to, even after weeks upon week upon weeks of going to the hospital and getting chemo in clockwork cycles.

                And on top of all that, the one time that his brother had joined him for the chemo, he’d gotten so terribly ill that he’d probably scarred him for life. If Dean wanted to go to the cafeteria, he wouldn’t mind. He kind of preferred Dean not to be there.

                He would be there for four hours today, but that would be the last of it. No more IV’s that made him want to throw up even with the medication for nausea, no more _anything._ Of course, there would be scans and checkups, a whole lot of pills to make sure it would never return. But he’d at least be free of the poison.

 

It was with a sigh that he opened his book, making sure not to move too much. Accidentally dislodging things would make his session _hell_. He’d been there before.

                Lately, reading didn’t seem to draw his interests. He just couldn’t focus on the words anymore, not like he used to. They were just smudges of ink. On good days, he could actually read a few pages before he had to give in. Today was a bad one.

                One of the only ways that Sam found the chemo bearable was getting him distracted. In the beginning, his parents had been there with magazines, but it wasn’t enough. Music helped, as did movies. He lay there with his earbuds plugged in, eyes closed and the world shut off.

                And even with the music, he still got distracted when people around him vomited or coughed, he heard their small whimpers of pain or discomfort, but that wasn't what distracted him this time around.  He looked up from the brim of his book to peek a look at the strangers making a bit of a fuss at the elevators.

                “Gabriel, I can’t leave you alone when you’re like this!" he heard a voice say. It sounded gravely, low even for a man. It was vaguely familiar and that bothered him, because he had no idea where he had heard it before. "I can’t leave you alone, your mother said that I had to keep an eye on you and to not let you out of my sights while in the hospital. You _know_ she won’t trust me again if I let you be.” It was silent for a little while. “She put her good faith in me and warned me about this – I’m staying.”

                "Screw what mom said, Cassie." The boy rolled his eyes. "Go wait in the cafeteria or something. I'll send you a text if you need to come up." The other man sighed before answering that it wasn't what his mother or his brother wanted one more time and giving up.

                "Cas is great, but he can be such a pain in the ass," the boy sighed, before letting himself fall down in the chair opposite him, a smug smile on his lips. The nurse hooked him up to his IV and left, disapproving look in her eyes.

Sam returned his focus back to his music, trying to figure out what they were singing, trying not to let the boy draw too much of his attention away. He caught himself letting his attention slip a few times, eyes opening and looking at the boy in front of him; his golden eyes when he was emerged in his book. Sometimes, their eyes would cross and he would force a small smile on his lips before looking back down and reading.

                Sam didn't know why the boy drew his attention that much and quite frankly, the golden eyed boy with that smug smile didn't know why he felt so drawn to the boy opposite him either. They didn't speak a word, just talked in smiles or chuckles.

 

When Dean came to pick him up, he looked highly uncomfortable, as if he had run into somebody that he hadn’t wanted to see, not by a long shot. Sam stumbled as he stood upright, the boy reaching out for him and holding him steady.

                “Hey kiddo, you okay?” The boy still had his hands on his shoulders as the world stopped swaying as much and he regained his balance. He hated the immediate after effects of chemo, even if they usually didn’t last all that long.

                “Yeah, sure,” Sam muttered, highly embarrassed. “Thanks.” At least he had found his balance again.

                “My pleasure.” The boy smirked at him. “Don’t try the floor again kiddo, heard there are much more likeable partners out there.” The boy nodded at him and left. He could see Dean bite back a laugh, but ignored it.

                “Mom isn’t hearing about this, ever.”


	2. Chapter one

_We’re getting older_

_Our hearts heavier_

_We’ve got to get out there_

_Before we become_

_Like trees in the fall_

**Will Driving West – October's Coming**

 

* * *

 

Sam had never been a big fan of support group. It was a bundle of pity and sadness and the occasional happy moment. While it could be good to talk to people that knew what you were going through the same things that you were going through, it still felt weird. Half of the time, they started talking about stuff other than cancer or how they were doing. If that was what they wanted to go, then  _great_ , go for it, but don’t count him in.

                There were days though, after somebody got bad news that he ended up going outside and feeling just terrible. It was just one of the things about cooping up teenagers aged thirteen to nineteen in a room to talk about their cancer story.

                Ellen Harvelle _tried_ to keep everything under control and help people. Admittedly, she had been able to talk him out of a few very bad days, but it was just weird. She tried to help everybody. If you had a bad day, you weren’t forced to talk. Talking was encouraged though, because apparently _talking helps._ It was what Ellen always said.

                He had felt the comfort of it the first few times, but after that it had all felt a little over the top. It wasn't like Sam wasn't empathic, no; he loved hearing about other people and their stories, the things they were battling with. He just didn't have the energy to hear them complain every week about a thousand ‘silly’ things. Sam was getting kind of sick of hearing people talk about a diet that they heard about or different other miracle cures for cancer. Diets couldn’t cure cancer, not in his book and certainly not in his doc’s.

                Sending him to support group had been an attempt of his mother to get him out of the house a little bit more, to get him to walk around on his prosthetic more. That was why he had put up a bit of a fight that morning. He had woken up with phantom pain in his leg, discovered that his prosthetic was still downstairs - he had fallen asleep on the couch the previous night, exhausted after getting sick due to the chemo - proceeded to hop down the stairs almost falling halfway and managed to startle his brother enough that Dean dropped his breakfast and broke the plate he was holding. And all of that happened in about fifteen minutes after waking up. It had to be a new personal record.

 

By the time that three pm rolled around, the little enthusiasm that he had for attending support group was completely _gone_. After all, it had already been a productive day; he had managed to finish the book that he’d started a few days earlier and squeeze in two naps between getting up to throw up and shivering with cold. It was the only thing about chemo that he really _hated_ with all of his heart; the tiredness that followed it, the nausea.

                In the end, all those side effects were worth it. He was getting better. The poison gave him a second shot at living life and perhaps growing old happily. Everything was better than dying. Sam had to admit, his doctors really were trying to find something that would help with the nausea a little bit more, there just didn’t seem to be any combinations of drugs that were really effective for him.

                If he hadn’t given in eventually and gotten up, he was 100% sure that Mary would have carried him upstairs to get dressed. He eventually complied before she actually did, dressing in a pair of comfortable jeans and shirt before pulling a loose fitting beanie over his head. He knew that he’d be sweating his ass off, but going there and be cold would be worse. He’d get sick and well, he had learned his lesson a long time ago. Better safe than sorry.

                Mary had to coax him into actually going though. Without Dean’s help, he probably wouldn’t even have bothered, but well, he eventually gave up and accepted his fate. He perhaps was able to get out of support group last time, his excuses wouldn’t work this time.

 

Even though he had only been awake for a few hours, he was already exhausted. The muscles in his leg were aching from walking around too much. He hadn’t even walked around _that_ often, only to the bathroom and back. His body just wasn’t used to it anymore. The blister that he had on his stump did not help that pain, not at all. He had covered it with a bandage before pulling his sock back on and clicking his prosthetic back in place, but that didn’t exactly mean that it didn’t bother him anymore.

                "It won't be that bad," Mary said, before turning the car onto the parking lot and finding a spot to park. It was with a slight smile that she helped him out of the car and into the wheelchair. Usually, she wasn’t as perceptive to the way that he was feeling, but today it really must have been clear. “Will you be fine on your own or do you want me to wait here?”

                “I’ll be fine,” he quickly promised, before wheeling himself inside. “Just pick me up around four, okay?”

                “Dean will come pick you up,” she said, an apologetic expression in her eyes, “I would do it but your father has to take the car to the garage in a half an hour because of that problem with the doors and you know I won’t touch your brother’s car.”

               

The cold hit him the second that the elevator stopped on the second floor and he wheeled out. Sam hated using the elevators, because using the elevator meant that you were getting weaker or at least that you were sick. Healthy people could take the stairs, he couldn’t. Physically couldn’t. Anyone who tried to climb stairs with a wheelchair was either suicidal or _skilled_.

                There were a few other people that he recognized, but neither walked over to talk to him. It was that way in support group, you recognized the others, but that was it. There was sympathy during support group and if you met any of them outside of in the hospital, you might smile but that was about as far as that stretched. Afterwards, you don't talk to other people, you just get the hell out of there. At least, that was what he usually did. There were people that made friends, but honestly, Sam didn’t see the point. He probably wouldn’t talk to them after anyway.

                Charlie eventually walked over to him and gave him a quick hug, a smile on her lips. Sam was glad that she at least seemed to be happy and healthier. She had filled out better than before and her red hair was already starting to be a short fizz instead of a bald skull. Seeing the redhead with so little hair had been, weird, for lack of a better word.

                “Sam!” He forced a smile on his lips as she walked around the wheelchair, taking the handles and directing him to the chair next to hers. Of course she would. If it had been anybody other than Charlie, he probably would have complained about being wheeled around, but it was Charlie. They’d known each other for ages.

                "Long time no see," she said before sitting down. Group wasn't due to start for another five minutes, so they had a little while to chat. His mother had made sure of that. "How's shit been going?"

                "Sleepy," he admitted. "Lots and lots of sleep, but otherwise, decent enough. How 'bout you?"

                "Scans and blood are clear as can be, so I keep rocking on," Charlie said, all too excited. "So, movie night. When?"

                "Charlie, I don't," Sam started, silencing when he saw the slightly annoyed, slightly unsurprised look in her eyes.

                "No getting out of it this time, Sam," she said, staring him right in the eye, "it's nothing too exciting, you will not be exposed to germs as much as you think and it'll be fun. Have some fun for a change, Winchester. I _know_ you’ve locked yourself in the house with Castle – don’t even attempt denying it."

                "Dean already set it up, didn't he?" He attempted not to roll his eyes. "Sure, I have to be in the hospital tomorrow - or at least, I think so, mom tried to get an appointment as early as possible for the scans - but I'll be free at night. Maybe we can do it then? I'd have to ask mom, but I don't know, I think that she'll be okay with it." She would be ecstatic that he’d be leaving the house.

                "For a change, no." There was a smug smile on her lips. "Dean didn't have anything to do with it this time. Tomorrow is fine. Bring your PJ's, toothbrush and medication. Have your mom call my mom with the info on your meds and you'll be one hundred percent safe."

 

Ellen hushed everyone to silence after counting heads, before starting to speak.

                "Hello, y'all," she started, "we'll start with the usual and we'll make our rounds, what do you think about that." She started reciting the all too familiar serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

                "Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next.” Ellen continued with her story, how she had breast cancer, lost a breast but got healthy. She was always holding back when telling her story and well, Sam understood. It wasn't exactly something that most people liked sharing.

                It was after that that introductions started. They went around the circle, everybody telling their name, age diagnosis and how they were doing. It was so common now that it almost happened on autopilot for a lot of people. First, there was the youngest of the bunch, Anthony. Anthony was only thirteen years old but clearly the sickest person in group that day.

                "My name is Anthony," he said, "I'm thirteen. Originally leukemia but it spread to my brain and lungs. I'm feeling, well, they are placing me on palliative care because there is nothing that they can do but prolong my life at this point. But I'm cool with it."

                "We're here for you Anthony," Ellen said, forcing everybody to repeat the same lines. Next was Jo, Ellen's daughter. She, Sam knew quite well. She had been in his year when she had gotten a touch of eye cancer a few years ago and it had caused her to lose an eye. And of course, the fact that Ellen had married Bobby, his uncle, a year or so ago helped as well. They didn’t hang out all that much, but then again, nobody in their family hung out all that often.

                "My name is Jo, I am seventeen years old. They found a new problem in my remaining eye, so it looks like I will be losing that as well." She looked around the circle. "So yeah, I'm going blind and that should probably stress me out more than it does."

                "We're here for you Jo." The boy sitting next to Jo was familiar. He had been the one in the hospital the previous day. Was dying because of embarrassment an option? Because it for sure looked very appealing in that moment.

                Out of anyone he could meet, of course it had to be _him._

                "My name is Gabriel," he said, that smug smile on his lips as he shamelessly stared at Sam, who sat across from him. "I am seventeen, original thyroid spread to my lungs and now they suck at being lungs. But otherwise, I am doing quite okay, I guess. I’m about to start a higher dose of chemo again, to see if the tumors will shrink this time." He tried to smile a little. “I’m just here because Jo dragged me in by my ears. Well, ears and oxygen.” Ellen chuckled at that, and bid the next one to continue.

                When it was his turn, he said the regular words. “I’m Sam, seventeen years old. Diagnosis was osteosarcoma. I am doing good at the moment, just wrapped up my last chemo so if the scans stay clears, things are looking up for me. Finally mind you, but yeah, I’m doing pretty well.”

 

Support group was dull. People told their stories and struggles and people listened and said something in reply to what others said. Sam rarely spoke on these sessions, simply because well, he didn’t know what to say to the others.

                There were no ways to comfort somebody really and most people didn’t even want to be kidded. They just wanted to vent and get out the anger that they couldn’t show in front of their parents. You could attempt to help them, but in the end, did it even matter? They’d forget it soon enough anyway.

                The new boy, Gabriel, smiled at him from his spot in the circle. They just stared at each other really, sometimes rolling their eyes at each other as the others had weird stories to tell. Or when somebody brought up this new diet that was supposed to help with leukemia and the side effects.

                ‘You’ve got to be kidding me,’ Gabriel mouthed at him. Sam just shrugged, not bothering to answer. There was somebody else speaking now anyway. He tried to listen to the person speaking, but his mind kept wandering off, off to the stranger with the golden eyes and the smirk.

 

Before they were released back into the world, there was one thing they always did before the end of the session. They all joined hands, praying for everybody that they had known that passed on. The list was endless almost, growing each year. Not everybody that was on the pray list was dead, some people just needed praying for. Which meant everybody in the little room.

                "Today we pray for the lungs of Gabriel, that they can get better,” Ellen started after making sure that everybody was holding hands, “we pray for my daughter Jo, that the surgery will go well, for Charlie, that she can stay in remission. Let us also pray for Sam, that we never see him walk through these doors again because he is sick.” The hand that Sam was holding to his right was freezing cold and rough. It distracted him. “Take a moment to think of and pray for Eaton, for Ellis, Isaac, Anthony, Adam, Augustus, Amelia and Catherine, Tegan, but also for Taylor, Abigail and Emma.” The list went on and on and on. So many people that had been in support group and had died in the four years that the group had been organized. In the beginning though, only people that were close to dying attended the group.

                Sometimes it really got to him, knowing that he could have been close to actually be with them. One cold November day, a few weeks into chemo, things had taken a turn for the worst. They had been pushing and pushing and pushing his health so far that it was about to snap. The doctors were still seeing how much he could take, so that they got the cancer out of his body as efficiently and fast as possible. He had been at home when the bleeding began, alone for a change. He had had a fever for a few hours, staying silent about it because he didn’t want to worry anyone. He barely managed to call Dean - who had just went on a date with somebody neither his parents nor Sam knew - before he blacked out. It was stupid, he knew that, but what was he supposed to do?

                When he awoke in the hospital five days later, they called it a miracle that he had pulled through as well and fast as he had done. Apparently, if they hadn’t brought him in when he did, well, things may have ended way worse. He had a serious infection after his immune system had been pushed to the limits.

                They fought off the infection with antibiotics and he got better, but it still had been a very close call. After that, Dean didn’t go on dates when his brother was alone and the person that he was on a date with never returned. Or at least, that was what Sam thought. He hadn’t asked his brother about it, nor did he want to. His brother had always been secretive about his relationships regardless and if he didn’t want to share, well, then Sam wouldn’t pry. He respected that.

                He was curious enough about it, because he remembered waking up for a second while there was somebody carrying him to a car, he remembered seeing a slight stubble. He knew that he heard the words ‘ _Dean, your brother’s temperature is not getting lower. You know I mind the rules, but please, do not pay attention to the speed limit for once’._ His brother had replied to that, but that was swallowed up by the numbness that the fever provided to hear it.

*-*-*

He was waiting outside when he felt a presence next to him. Sam had taken the elevator back upstairs - joined by Michael, who had to carry around his oxygen tanks everywhere and was getting weaker. He never knew what to say to people of which he knew that they were closer to during than before in their life, so he just stayed silent, as did Michael. It was hard to miss the smiling boy that had been sitting in front of him before when he stopped next to him.

                “Hello,” he said absently, more to be friendly than really being interested in talking. He’d been pushed that day and maybe his nerves were getting a little bit thin.

                “Hi,” the boy said, “Sam, right?” Sam just nodded, hating the fact that he had to look up at this boy now. If he’d stand, he’d be looking down at the boy.

                “Gabriel, right?” he asked, a little uncertain his memory was correct. Past weeks he had been having some trouble remembering smaller things, like names or dates. It was just because there was so much going on in his life right now. His memory would return when things calmed down a little and there weren’t one thousand things going on that he had to think about, like meds and everything.

                “You remember,” the boy said, smiling, “I’m flattered, but call me Gabe. Gabriel’s a mouthful.” Sam was staring at the distance, where Jo was talking to her boyfriend with a smile on her lips, her arms hooked around him. “They are disgustingly adorable together, aren’t they? Like candy.”

                “Kind of,” Sam agreed reluctantly, peeling his eyes away from them to look at Gabriel. Charlie was in the background, talking to her girlfriend in the car. He had only seen her a handful of times, but each time, Anna had been friendly enough and actually been interested in talking to the both of them. “It’s sweet though.”

                “I guess.” He looked Sam up and down for a little while, before the curious expression crossed his face again. “Was that your last chemo session yesterday?”

                Sam nodded, smiling. “For now, yes. If the scans stay clear, I get to say goodbye to chemo once and for all. How about you? Just started a cycle or?” He felt slightly uncomfortable when asking others about treatment.

                “Just started,” Gabe said, smiling grimly, “they’re giving me two days rest before my first full week of chemo.” He rolled his eyes when saying this. “So they are reducing me to a mess, again.”

                “Let’s hope they work this time.” He felt sort of uncomfortable with Gabriel staring at him the way that was doing now, as if he was interesting. “What?” Gabriel’s eyes didn’t seem to leave Sam. It probably was kind of unavoidable that you were looked down at when using a wheelchair, but still. Sam did not appreciate it.

                “Is something up, Gabe?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

                “No, I just like looking at handsome people,” he said, smiling charmingly. “And you my friend, fall in that category.” The comment should have made Sam more uncomfortable than it did. All it did was make him blush slightly - to his embarrassment - and look away. He clearly had lost some of his people skills in not being around others. “

                Gabriel laughed when he noticed Sam’s discomfort. “It’s nothing,” he said, shaking his head slightly. “You’re just interesting to watch, big guy.” Sam huffed at this. Big guy? Really? Gabriel seemed a little insecure for a little while, before he turned.  “Do you want to hang out with me today?” The question was quickly spoken and rather unexpected. “I mean, I still have a bunch of movies to catch up on and why do it alone when I can invite you over, huh?”

                Sam was unsure what to say for a little while, felt his mouth drop open at the request. Gabriel put a piece of something incredibly sweet in his mouth, which had Sam by surprise even more. It almost melted on his tongue.

                “You were gaping.” There was a smug smile on Gabriel’s lips. “So, are you with me or not?”

                “I’ll have to ask Dean,” he muttered, “my brother is picking me up here, and I will need to go home to pick up my meds.” He hesitated for a little while. Was he really saying yes to this stranger he hadn’t seen once before yesterday?

                “Is that a yes?”

                “I guess?” There was doubt in his own voice. “I will have to see what my brother says though.” Sam knew that Dean would almost shove him towards Gabriel when he mentioned being invited over to watch a movie. “But he has a date, so I don’t think he’ll mind having the house for himself tonight.”

 

Gabriel and Sam talked about little things while they waited for Dean, offering commentary on how done parents looked that had to pick their kids up or, the opposite, how done kids looked as they stepped into the car. It was a fun thing to do and it hid just how awkward Sam really felt. It wasn’t like he didn’t like the other man, no really, his personality was growing on Sam.

                It was just, weird. He didn’t know Gabriel and yet they were going to hang out at his house? He guessed that they had to become friends one way or another. Charlie hadn’t seemed to be too surprised by it nor had Jo, so at least it seemed to be part of his normal persona.

                “Isn’t that your brother?” Gabriel asked, pulling Sam out of his mind. He had drifted off into his thoughts, thinking about well, nothing really. The black Impala had just pulled up in front of him, Dean looking at him expectantly. As If he wanted to say, _hurry up, the engine is running_.

                “Yeah,” Sam said, meaning to wheel towards it when Gabriel slung his oxygen tank backpack over his shoulder and pushed him. Sam did not enjoy being pushed around, not at all. Heck, if he could avoid it, he would. The only ones who could were the people he really trusted. That he allowed Gabriel to do it without really complaining caught him by surprise. With Gabriel he didn’t mind as much, he knew that Gabe just did it for the kicks of it and possibly to annoy him.

“Hey Dean, do you think it would be okay if I spend the day at Gabriel’s?” Even though he knew that his brother would say that it was fine, he was still kind of hoping that he’d say no.

                Dean looked just a little bit surprised. “Yeah, I guess that it’s okay. Are you going to be home for your meds?”

                “We were going to watch a movie so,” Sam fiddled with his sleeves, “I’m not sure? I have to take them in like an hour, right?” Dean nodded. “I don’t think so.”

                “Stop by to pick them up,” Dean eventually sighed. “Mom would like that. Are you tagging along with me or?” Sam knew that his brother finally had a date again after staying home and away from dating for well, forever.

                “If Sammich gives me directions, I can drive him,” Gabriel offered, this charming smile still on his lips. “I can help him get in the car if he needs that.” Sam flinched at the use of the nickname, but eventually shrugged it off. He had a feeling that Gabriel was the kind of person to figure out a nickname for everybody that he met.

                “That way you can go pick up your date,” Sam teased with a smile on his lips. He was excited for his brother to be dating again. It felt normal again, normal while for such a long time, nothing had felt like it was in its’ correct place. “Don’t keep Lisa waiting.” Dean looked at him curiously before nodding.

                “Okay, give me a call when you want to be picked up and I’ll come pick you up.”

                “I can drop him off later, Dean-o,” Gabriel intervened, “go enjoy your date.” Sam was thankful for Gabriel’s offer, but I was still weird. He barely knew the guy. He trusted him though and if he turned out to be a murderer or something, at least he had Dean as a witness that he was with Gabriel. The police would arrest him in no time.

                “Well, thank you then. I’ll see ya.” Dean pulled out of the parking lot and Sam followed the black Impala until it completely disappeared out of sight.

                “That was kind of you,” he muttered to Gabe, who had already gotten a hold of the handles of the wheelchair and was pushing him towards a black touran.

                “Don’t bother,” Gabriel shrugged before unlocking the car. “The dude looks like he needs to get laid. Got that stressed out look to him.”

                “I did not need that image etched in my mind,” Sam groaned, before lifting himself up on the seat. He flinched when he leant on his leg and the blister was squeezed together from the unexpected yet expected pressure. He tried not to make it be too noticeable as he sat down while Gabriel put the wheelchair in the back and rounded to the front.

                “Are you okay with holding my oxygen tank for me?” he asked, the backpack resting on his lap. “It makes driving a lot easier.”

 

Mary welcomed them both in with a smile. He had called before Gabriel left, to make sure that it was okay for him to stay there for the evening. She promised him to get started on a duffel with his medication and have him pick up the things that he needed for his prosthetic himself.

                Gabriel waited downstairs while Sam quickly gathered everything that he needed in case of emergencies, things like extra socks, a little mechanical kit in case something would get a little loose, stuff like that. He heard Gabriel and his mother talk in the background, though he had no idea what they were saying. Sam tried to be as fast as he could, didn’t’ want his mother to start asking Gabriel all these awkward questions that he knew she would ask. It usually was Dean who asked the weird ass questions, but he didn’t want to take a gamble.

                “No, this was my first support group,” he heard Gabriel say, the patented Gabriel way. “I met Sam at the hospital yesterday - more like saved his ass from falling to the floor that is.” Sam groaned as he walked in, embarrassed.

                “Is that so?” Mary asked, looking at Sam with an amused expression in her eyes as she took the bag and went through it. “Yeah, this should do. Be back by ten if you stay there for food, otherwise dinner is served at seven. If you’re late, you can heat it up. Dean will come pick you up if you text him the address.” Sam nodded and slung the backpack over his shoulder.

                “Will do.”


	3. Chapter two

 

Gabriel had a pleasant way of driving that made Sam kind of envy him. He had gotten his license a few months before the amputation, but still wasn’t used to driving with the prosthetic.  Most of the time he either drove too fast or too slow. It was incredibly infuriating and well, he didn’t feel comfortable behind the wheel either.

                “Do you drive?” Gabe asked him ten minutes into driving, for lack of a better conversation topic. “Or do you rely on your parents to take you places?”

                “I can drive,” Sam muttered, looking back at Gabriel instead of outside, “but not too well. My car is currently tucked away in the garage – they don’t want me on the road again.” He chuckled slightly. “Last time I drove, I almost hit a lady because I hit the pedal too hard. She was pretty freaked out about it, yelled at me. It was pretty funny.” Gabe actually laughed at the tale. “So yeah, I don’t drive that often.” Sam knew that he probably didn’t look too happy as he spoke. “And you know, they don’t trust me to drive to chemo by myself anyway. Now that I am finished with it though, I’d love to go back to driving.”

                “Same here,” Gabe said, grinning, “they don’t want me anywhere near the car when I had chemo.” He smiled at Gabriel. “Cas always has to drop me off - they don’t trust me at all.”

                “Trench coat, right?” Sam asked, not able to keep his curiosity out of his voice. “Gravelly voice? Black hair? Looks like he was just caught by a tornado?”

                “The one and only.” Gabe smirked. “We’re almost at my place. So, hope you don’t mind, but what’s your story? How long have you been?”

                “Sick?” Gabriel just nodded. “I started having pain in my leg when I was fifteen. I thought that it was just from growing, I mean, I’d grown quite a few inches that year. My mom told me to go to the hospital to get checked out, so we eventually did.  Mom can be, stubborn. They did a few scans until it eventually showed after a dozen tests that it was severe osteosarcoma. My leg was pretty badly spotted with it and I had a few spots in my hip as well. I got post-operative chemo after they amputated my leg from the knee down. I still got part of it; the tiny bit that they could salvage. Got me my new best friend that will screw me over pretty badly should it stop working.” Sam fell silent, unsure of what to say. Telling his story or what had happened to him, it always felt weird.  “After that, as if I didn’t feel miserable enough, they wanted to give me more chemo. That eventually got rid of the spots in my hip. It’s been about a year and a half since.”

Sam stayed silent for a little while, just thinking. There had been slight pauses during his whole speech, Gabe nodding every once in a while to signal that he was still listening, that Sam could continue. “It would have been shorter, I guess. But the docs got pretty pissed at me. I got ill.” He stuck to the word a little while, not sure if ill really fit the load. “A little while before my leg was amputated, so they had to delay the operation and chemo as well. Cut me out of the loop for a few weeks. How about you?” He was a little hesitant about asking. “What is your story? I mean, if you want to.”

                “It’s okay, don’t worry. I was ten when I started feeling exhausted too easily, like, I’d run a few miles and be sweating like I’d run a marathon. Mom just thought that I had the flu or something like that, told me that I could stay home from school and rest.  It pretty much went on like that until a few weeks after I turned twelve. I still had a bit of that cold. I could barely breathe when I woke up that morning, so they took me to the hospital, to get checked. That was like, at three am or something, I barely remember it.

“I do remember them telling us that they had found spots on my thyroid and some lymph nodes. Spot on my lungs too, but that wasn’t too worrisome to them, since it was still small. Underwent surgery that took out my thyroid and the lymph nodes afterwards chemo and radiating for my lung tumor.” Gabriel stayed silent for a little while before shifting gears and making a turn. “Everything went well until I turned fourteen. My mom took me to the doctor for a bad cough and they ended draining a half a liter of fluid from my lungs. The tumor returned.” He sighed. “So now I’ve got my trusty companion to help me breathe slash not make me feel like I am a fish on land while they experiment on me like I am a guinea pig.” Sam chuckled at that. “Well, a guinea pig with stubborn lung tumors that is.” Gabriel stifled a laugh. “They found something that could possibly help though, so I’m glad.”

                “I can imagine,” Sam said, with a slight smile on his lips.

 

They arrived at Gabriel’s house after another fifteen minutes of driving. Even though Gabe had told Sam that the house was close by, it still had been a forty-five minute drive, counting the quick stop at Sam’s place to get his stuff. Not that Sam really minded, it hadn’t been a tense drive.

                “So, this is the place,” Gabe said as they stopped by his house. It was a tall two story building with big windows. In the garden people were running around; somebody their age who seemed to be Gabriel’s brother and a child. “Nothing too fancy, but good enough for all six of us – that’s including parents, before you freak out.” Gabriel smiled fondly when he noticed the people running around outside. Sam loved seeing the smile on his lips. “I’ll introduce you to them in a second. Do you want me to grab your wheelchair?”

                “I’m going to walk around for a bit,” Sam muttered, already feeling the exhaustion of the day weighing down on him.  “Maybe later?”

                “Okay.” Gabriel took his oxygen tank and climbed out of the car. “I’ll introduce you to the crazy gang. Not sure how many of them are home though. We’re always scattered all over the place.”

                The boy – more of a man he realized as he stepped closer - approached the two of them with a curious expression, the girl that had been chasing him surprised when her chaser suddenly stopped following her. “How was support group?”

                “It was fine, Luce,” Gabe said, “long and dull, but okay. I guess. Sammich, this is Lucifer, my oldest brother. Luke, this is Sam.”

                “Hi,” Sam said, maybe a little shy as he took Lucifer’s outstretched hand and shook it.

                “Just call me Luke,” he said, “everybody does. Don’t want a devil in your friends group – unless it’s Halloween of course. Nice to meet you Sam.” Sam nodded again, smiling when he saw the young girl running towards the three of them.

                “Gabe!” she yelled when he eye fell on her brother. She threw her arms around his torso, hiding her face in his shirt. “You’re back.”

                “Hi there little one,” Gabriel smiled, ruffling her hair. “Sam, this is my little sister Hester. He’s one of a pair, I have no idea where Hael is. Where is she?”

                “I’m not little! She’s at Anna’s, playing,” the girl protested, before looking up at Sam with a wide smile on her lips, “Hi Sam!” Sam too smiled before saying hi.

                “Me and Sam are going to watch a movie upstairs, yell if something’s up?”

                “Sure,” Luke said, “I’ll call when dinner is ready. Sam, are you staying for dinner?”

                “If that’s okay?”

                “Sure,” Lucifer said, “you’ll meet our parents then. Don’t get overwhelmed from them, they can be a little weird.”

                “Thanks for the heads up.”

 

Gabriel’s room was bigger than he had expected it to be. His room was located on the first level of the house, which Sam was more than happy about. He sat down in one of the chair in front of the television before taking out his duffel and the blister pads.

                “You don’t mind?” Sam asked a little uncomfortable, playing with the bottom of his jeans. “The band aid is getting annoying.”

                “Knock yourself out,” Gabriel said, “I’m going to pick a few movies for us to pick from.” Changing the band aid was way more trouble than it was for most people and it annoyed Sam to take almost five minutes to get the prosthetic off, the socks off, the band aid changed and then the socks back on and the prosthetic on.

                Gabriel came back with five different movies, all of which Sam hadn’t even remotely heard off. He allowed Gabe to pick whichever movie he wanted before he settled himself in the couch. He didn’t really care that much for which movie they watched. He didn’t know what any of them was about anyway.

                After a quarter of the movie was passed, Sam took his leg off after asking Gabe if he wouldn’t mind. His reply had been something like ‘of course not Sammich, I’ve seen worse’. Gabe even brought blankets for the both of them to snuggle up under. Sam was more than grateful for that, even if it did mean that he’d probably fall asleep at a certain point during the movie.

                He enjoyed this one though. It was a Portuguese one that hadn’t been released too long ago. Gabriel told him, almost proudly, that it wasn’t actually out on DVD just yet. It told the story of a boy - called Gabriel, which Sam couldn’t help but laugh about - who moves and befriends the blind kid in town Leonardo.

                Sam couldn’t say that he kept focused during the movie, not completely, but he did manage to keep his eyes to the screen easier than usually was the case. He actually felt for the main character more than he expected upon starting the movie.

 

It was five o’clock by the time they finished the movie, the sun already starting its decent. The ending had surprised Sam just a little - even though he’d kind of noticed that they would probably be a couple by the end of the movie about halfway through - and well, he certainly didn’t mind that. He hadn’t expected the movie to be that kind of movie though. Not that he minded romance movies, he just didn’t think that Gabriel would be into them. He himself preferred action movies, sci-fi.

                “Next movie, less romance,” he announced, yawning. Luke had just come to Gabe’s room to announce that dinner was ready. He had woken Sam up from his little nap that he had decided to take after the movie was done.

                “You got something against romance movies Sammich?” Gabe smirked before getting up and going back from the oxygen concentrator to the liquid oxygen.

                “Not explicitly, no,” Sam shrugged, starting to get up. Lucifer had brought him his wheelchair halfway through the movie, so it would be easier for Sam to get to the dinning room. It wasn’t like he’d have to do stairs to get there anyway and it was easier than hopping back or snapping his prosthetic back on... “I don’t mind that much.” He hopped to the wheelchair, almost tripping over one of Gabriel’s sweaters strewn haphazardly on the floor. Gabriel caught him with a teasing smirk, before guiding him to the wheelchair.

                “I got to warn you about Hester and Hael,” Gabe said, blocking the path to the hallway. “They are identical and will try trick you, they’re little tricksters.” He chuckled. “Especially if you’re new in this house. Don’t sit down anywhere near them, and you should be fine.”

                “Can we go now?” Gabe smiled a little before nodding.

                “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

 

Gabe wheeled him in, even if it wasn’t what Sam wanted. Luke nodded at the two of them from his place across the dinner table. He had already cleared a spot on the table for Sam to sit down.

                “Sam, that is Hael,” Gabe said, point at the little girl sitting across from him. She was dressed a little differently from her sister, more formal. Her hair was curly while her sister’s hair had been straight. “Hael, this is Sam.”

                “Hi,” the girl said, a charming smile on her lips. “You’re lucky you’re not here on Gabe’s cooking day.” She giggled, “He can’t cook anything but pizza.”

                “He even burned the pizza last time,” her twin sister, Hester confessed, nose wrinkled. “So I’m not sure if he can cook pizza.” She’d taken a seat on the other side of Sam, throwing a pointed glance at her brother on the other side. “He’s good at ordering take out though.”

                “Be glad you don’t have to cook,” Gabe teased, “I wouldn’t want to eat anything that you made.”

 

All by all, dinner was chaotic to say the least. Gabriel’s parents had called to announce the fact that they would be later a few minutes before the food actually arrived on the table. By the time they eventually arrived back home, they were already starting their plates, deciding not to wait because everything was cooling down anyway.

                “Hello everybody,” Gabe’s father said when he entered the room after stopping in the hallway to put his coat on the rack. “I’m very sorry that I am late. How was support group Gabriel? Meet anybody interesting?”

                “It was okay,” Gabriel said, “I wouldn’t have gone if Jo hadn’t dragged me back there though. I met Sammich here.” It was only after speaking that his father looked over and saw Sam sitting there too.

“I see we’ve got an addiction to the group today, hello.” Sam smiled at the man with an uncertain smile. He didn’t even seem fazed by the new face. Sam guessed that with four kids, there was always someone coming over, a friend or partner around.

                “Hello Mr. Milton.”

                “Just call me Chuck, Sam?” There was question in his voice. “Everybody does so. Do you enjoy support group Sam?”

                “I do usually, yes,” Sam said, “everybody was positive today, that’s always a good start.” Dinner passed by relatively quickly, about the same thing happening when Naomi, Gabe’s mom - ‘just call me Naomi, Mrs. Milton makes me feel too old’ - entered the room a few minutes after her husband did. They switched back and forth in subjects, going from how Sam was doing with his cancer - they seemed to be delighted to hear that he was on the right track and staring for remission - how Gabe was doing, work related stuff and eventually television shows.

                When Michael heard that they had watched The Way He Looks he rolled his eyes and then looked accusingly at his brother, who quickly brought the subject to other shows. Gabe and Michael chatted about a show that Sam hadn’t heard about. This while Sam was being questioned by the girls, talking about his favorite book, food and color.

                “You’ve really never seen The Walking Dead?” Gabriel asked, wide eyed. “Never seen a commercial, nothing?”

                “I’ve been a little busy the last year Gabe,” he said, not wanting to sound accusing but doing so anyway. “Watching shows about zombies wasn’t on the top of my priorities list.”

                “No excuses, Sammich,” Gabriel interjected. “I was on my sixth cycle of chemo when I started watching. Change of plans big boy, we’re catching you up on The Walking Dead.”

 

Gabriel started with the first disc to the first season before flopping down on the couch next to Sam, nearly landing in this lap. Sam didn’t know if the show would really be something for him. He preferred shows like Castle - heck, he’d seen the first episode numerous times in the past couple of months - to zombies, but he was willing to attempt watching it.

                “If you fall asleep, I’ll just poke you awake,” Gabe warned before pressing play. “I’m serious. I’ll poke, or tickle. I can do tickling.”

 

Sam ended up enjoying the series more than he expected. They finished four episodes before deciding that they had had enough screen time for the day. Outside, the sun had already disappeared from the horizon, darkness clinging to the sky like a blanket. The alarm clock told him that it was already ten pm.

                “I should probably get going,” Sam sighed before stretching and leaning back to that he could get to his socks that lay on the arm of the couch. “Mom and dad will probably be worried.” He hadn’t received any text messages from either of them, which was kind of odd, so he guessed that they weren’t too worried, but he still didn’t want to make them worried for no reason.

                “Dad called your folks when you were asleep,” Gabe said. He sounded just that little bit mockingly. “He didn’t want your brother to be driving around in the dark. You mom said that she was cool with you staying here for the night. Said something about packing your night meds too, just in case.”

                “Oh.” Sam dug around in his duffel until he found the second little container of pills. He wished that he could say that he was surprised that his mother had put his pills in, but he really wasn’t. Anything to get him out of the house for a while longer.

                “If you want, you can borrow a pair of PJ’s from me,” Gabe said, “they’ll fit – I hope. It’s a pair that used to be dad’s but he grew out of them. The pants are way too long for me, perhaps they’re good for you. Dad said that he’d come in in a little while and fold out the couch so you can go to sleep if you want.”

                “Thanks,” Sam said with a slight smile on his lips. He was glad that Dean didn’t have to come pick him up after all. He wanted his brother to enjoy his date with Lisa. Dean deserved a break from being the big brother once in a while. “Is it okay if I go change in my PJ’s already? I’m kind of tired.”

                “Sure thing kiddo,” Gabe smirked before starting to rummage through his armoire. He threw him a pair of loose pants and a baggy shirt that was probably too big for him anyway. “The bathroom is down the hall. I’ll walk you there, otherwise dad will ask me to help.”

 

Gabe waited outside of the bathroom for Sam while his parents got the pull out bed ready to sleep in. Sam knew that Gabe was avoiding having to help him by sticking behind to make sure that Sam found his way back to the room. Not that his parents seemed to mind that much. Sam had asked if he needed to help them, but they had brushed him off, told him not to worry too much about it and just get changed.

                By the time Sam rolled back inside, the bed was made. A duvet lay at the foot of the bed, just in case he would get cold. Chances were that he was going to need to pull it over him at a certain point because he knew that he was going to get cold.

                “Just yell if you need anything,” Naomi said with a gentle smile on her lips before closing the door behind her.

                “I’m going to turn in for the night,” Gabe yawned. “Do you mind helping me with this bad boy? It’s a little annoying to it all by myself, I’d do it alone, but…” There was a short, awkward, until Sam just smiled and shook his head.

                “Sure thing,” he said before rolling over to the side of Gabriel’s bed, unscrewing him from the portable oxygen tank and onto the oxygen concentrator. He quickly checked if the settings were still okay after Gabe told him at which levels they were supposed to be. “Here you go.”

                “Thanks Sam,” Gabe murmured. “You’re getting good at getting around in the wheelchair and getting back out of it.” Sam had just crawled into bed, pulling the covers around himself a little tighter. Darkness surrounded them as Gabe snipped off the light.

                “I’m used to it,” Sam answered, “I’ve had to use a wheelchair on a regular basis for a few months now so you kind of get used to it. It’s like you pulling the oxygen tank with you everywhere you go.”

                “I don’t know if I’ll ever completely get used to the oxygen though,” he muttered in reply, “but, well, do you think you’ll ever get used to having one point six legs instead of two?” There as a chuckle. “I mean, having to rely on something like a prosthetic that can fall apart on you any second and force you to hop around?” He full on laughed right now. “I’d adore to see that. Hell, I’d pay to see that, but. I don’t know.”

                There was a short, but not uncomfortable silence between the two of them while Sam thought about his answer. “I don’t know,” he eventually said, looking up at the ceiling that was paved with glow in the dark stars from long forgotten times when he had been a kid. “It’s not like you can’t get used to it at all. It almost feels like I’ve never had more than one point six legs sometimes.” He smirked at his own words. “The prosthetic isn’t that different from your lungs. If your oxygen fails.”

                “Hospital,” Gabe sighed, finishing his sentence, “or I’d probably be a fish on land.” They fell asleep a little after that, the clock flashing eleven pm at them. It was relatively easy for Sam to fall asleep for once. He didn’t toss and turn, no, he slipped into a comfortable sleep with a pleasant dream.

 

When Sam woke up the room was still cloaked in darkness, even though it wasn’t too early. It had just turned ten am and hell, he wished that he could stay in bed forever without ever coming out of it.

                His dream had been both pleasant and confusing and no matter how hard he wanted to forget it, there was a part of him that clung to it, held on tight. He had been able to walk again, on both of his own legs without pain for a change. Waking up and not being able to get up and just walk away was a disappointment. He had almost tried, almost gotten up.

                He had dreams not unlike that one rather often and each time it made him feel that little bit more down than the day before. He had accepted the artificial limb like his own, like a shoe giving you blisters. It was part of him now and he wouldn’t want to do without, but if he could just get his legs back. Oh god, that would be perfect. He would give anything for him to be able to use his legs again.

                Sam quickly slid into yesterday’s clothes, pleased to notice that the blister had dried out and that it didn’t hurt him anymore. He even managed to get his prosthetic on and walk around without feeling it, which was a tiny victory. There was a tiny but sleepy smile as he walked out of the room, practically walking into Gabriel, who had been about to wake him up. Thank god he had escaped that.

                “Morning,” he huffed, rubbing the last remainders of sleep out of his eyes.

                “Morning Sammich,” Gabe said, way too cheerful for the early hour, “you finally up from your sleep coma? You were out like a brick.”

                “I tried to refrain him from waking you up,” Castiel offered, “good morning Sam. I hope you slept well?”

                “Don’t worry,” Sam sighed, “I slept well, thanks.” He was kind of surprised by seeing Castiel there, but after all, he was a family friend so it shouldn’t be too weird. Or so Gabe had told him between two episodes of The Walking Dead the previous day. “Though I would kill for some coffee.”

                “No killing needed, coffee is right here,” Gabriel teased before fetching him a cup of coffee and pressing it into his hands. “Do you want cream or sugar?” Sam shook his head before taking a sip, almost burning his tongue. The heat was welcome though.

                “How come you’re up so early?” Sam asked. “I usually don’t get up before noon.”

                “Couldn’t sleep,” Gabe said, shrugging. “You mumble in your sleep.” Sam immediately flustered from the comment, hoping he hadn’t murmured something too embarrassing. He knew that he sometimes talked in his sleep, that he had started doing it not long after the diagnosis. Dean had told him of all people.

                According to Mary, she had even heard him cry in his sleep at a certain point. He didn’t remember most of what he did while sleeping, but he did know that it got pretty bad sometimes. It was the stress of everything that was happening that lead him to sleeping bad, or at least, that was what he told himself.

               

Castiel ended up driving him home after staying at Gabriel’s place just a little bit longer. He wished that he could stay longer, liking the time that he spend with Gabriel even if he didn’t really know the guy. When he left, Gabe had given him the DVD box for the first season, making him promise to watch it and then return so that they could start season two together.

                Cas drove without needing a lot of directions. Only when they reached his street did he need a remembrance to which number it was again. But then again, they lived in one of the blandest neighborhoods of the city.

                “Thanks for dropping me off,” Sam said before climbing out of the car when Cas parked on the driveway. “I really appreciate it.”

                “It was no bother,” Castiel said before going to the back to get his wheelchair. “I’ll help you carry your stuff to the front door.”

                “Thanks,” Sam said again, feeling almost like a broken record that was being played over and over again. He had said the words ‘thanks’ and ‘thank you’ way too often the past couple of days. Castiel just smiled at him before ringing the doorbell. In getting outside, Sam had forgotten his keys to the house. He hoped that at least Dean was home, otherwise it could take ages before somebody arrived to allow him in.

                Dean opened up, smiling when he saw his little brother. When his eyes fell to Cas standing next to him, he seemed to freeze in place. “Cas?”

                “Hello Dean.” There was something in the voice that Sam couldn’t place, recognition maybe? Cas seemed to be almost amused.

                “I’m going to go inside,” Sam muttered, pushing past Dean, who was still staring fixedly at Cas. Hadn’t he ever heard that staring was rude? To be honest, Sam didn’t really care why Dean was staring or what the hell was up with his brother. Dean was always weird, he had embraced that years ago. He had more important stuff to think about, like taking his meds. He was supposed to take them around eleven and it was already half past.

 

He spent the whole day watching The Walking Dead, seeing some episodes twice because he managed to fall asleep halfway through a few of them. His older brother, Adam called around five halfway through his last episode of disk two, so he decided to call it quits for the rest of the day.

                Adam would be stopping by sometime next week with his wife Sarah and their kid, Nick. Sam was excited to see them again. The only time that he had really seen his nephew was when he had been a new born, after wards, the whole cancer thing had happened and family got pushed aside. Looking back on it now, he wished that he had been able to spend more time with his family members except for seeing them pass by on Facebook sometimes.

               

Charlie picked him up at his house around eight pm, after dinner. They couldn’t stay too long because apparently Anna had to be dropped off at her nephew’s place. Mary waved them all goodbye after giving Sam his duffel, this time packed with a pair of PJ’s, a toothbrush and the likes of it. He hadn’t minded wearing Gabe’s PJs that much, but he certainly was not going to wear Charlie’s. That would be embarrassing – and there would be pictures.

                He was kind of surprised when they stopped in front of Gabriel’s house to drop off Anna. Gabriel himself sat outside in the grass, his trusty companion the oxygen tank next to him as he watched his twin sisters play football with Lucifer, Lucifer actually on the losing team.

                When Hael saw the car stop she ran over with a wide smile on her lips, recognizing her redheaded niece from afar. “Anna!” she laughed, wrapping her arms around her torso when Anna stepped out of the car to greet her. “Sammy!” Anna turned to him in surprise.

                “You guys familiar?”

                “Support group,” Sam explained, pointing at Gabriel, who was approaching now too. “He’s in our support group.”

                ‘Hello Sammich,” Gabe smirked, “back so soon?” He laughed. “Couldn’t get enough of us huh?”

                “Easy boy,” Sam too laughed, “I’m halfway through season one in case you are curious. I’m bugging the hell out of Dean by watching. You’ll get your DVD back sooner rather than later.”

                “Take your time Sammy,” he said, “not planning on watching them any time soon.” Lucifer helped get Anna’s stuff out of the trunk so that they could leave. Sam had wanted to pitch in, but he really wouldn’t be too big a help.

                “Well, it looks like I’ve got another movie marathon planned, but I’ll certainly text you or something when I’m done.”

                “Give me your cell,” Gabe said before taking it and programming his number in it. “Now you’ve got no excuse to forget.”

 

Charlie smirked at him when they drove off, staying silent for a most of the drive over. When they arrived at Anna and Charlie’s little house, she finally cracked after sitting down in the couch and giving Sam something to drink.

                “Okay, Sammy, you know I love you, right?” she asked, smiling slightly. “Why wasn’t I informed of your date with Gabe?” Sam almost choked on his coke.

“What?” He didn’t know if his expression had been comically or what, but Charlie was laughing her ass off.

                “Because you know, if there is something going on between the two of you, I wouldn’t mind at all. You’d make a cute couple.” Sam could see how much she held back, biting her lip to stop from bursting out laughing as he turned red all over. “Oh, come on Sammy! I was joking. I was joking.” Charlie laughed at his terrified expression. “Don’t tell me your face wasn’t priceless.” She smirked. “You looked like a deer caught in the headlights. So you guys hung out yesterday?”

                “Yeah, he got me watching The Walking Dead,” Sam said, smiling. “After watching another movie first. The Way He Looks, or something like that, maybe you’ve heard of it? It was pretty good.”

                “Stop the presses. Somebody actually got you into watching a show other than Castle?” Sam rolled his eyes at the remark. He knew how much Charlie hated his favorite show, complained about not getting him to watch other shows that were _way better_ than the thrilling tale of a writer and the police. He was so used to it that it had become more of a joke between the two of them than an insult. “I know the movie, it’s decent. Kinda surprised that you like it though. What do you say, _Sammich,_ should I start Lord of the Rings? To balance out the gore? You know, you can never have enough.”

                “Sure,” Sam said sighing, before easing back in his seat and watching with her as Frodo descended into his adventure. He probably wouldn’t be awake for too long, lack of sleep and chemo catching up with him, but he knew that Charlie didn’t mind too much. After all, she had been there as well, she had received chemo and beaten cancer.  She only woke him up two or three times and all of them had been by accident. Sometimes, he kind of loved Charlie.


	4. chapter three

Sam finished watching the rest of season a little more than a week later. He hadn't been surprised that when popping out the last DVD, there was a post it with Gabe's number written in a quite neat handwriting for a boy. It was such a Gabriel thing to do that it actually made him chuckle – Sam _never_ chuckled. He would have called him in an instant - ending a season like that should be _illegal_ \- but the time stopped him. Gabe would be beyond annoyed if he was woken up by Sam calling. And Dean would be too. The walls in their house were thin.

Instead, he send a quick text, summarizing his hate for the season finale and the need to start the second season, ASAP. He dropped his cellphone next to him, staring up in the dark room, dimly lit by his laptop. A few people were online on Facebook, but nobody was interesting enough to talk to. His phone buzzed next to him a few minutes later though, taking him away from his staring.

_‘Sammich, you are a man to my heart. Wednesday, three o'clock? Also, what’s the last name?’_

Sam smiled as he answered, telling him that Wednesday was fine with him. When Gabriel's friendship request suddenly popped up he clicked accept as soon as he noticed that it was indeed Gabriel and not somebody with a similar name.

_‘Did I wake you?_ ' he typed when he saw that Gabe was online, patiently waiting for the reply. Sam couldn't sleep anyway and if Gabriel was up too, why not be night creatures together?

_'I was up._ ' Came the reply, followed by the _'lungs suck'_ a few seconds later.

_'They giving you trouble?_ ' Sam asked, getting sort of worried for Gabe. He knew what tiny things like colds could do to his lungs when he was receiving treatment, he didn't even want to know what it would do to a lung cancer patients. He’d seen a simple cold evolve into a pneumonia almost killing somebody in their support group because his body had become weaker and weaker.

_'Yeah. Nasty cold. I feel like I'm going to cough up my lungs'._

_'Warm tea and honey always helps'_ Sam started typing, fingers flying over the keys _'also, blankets and movies'._

_'Yeah, I'm stuck on bed rest playing COD. Life could be worse._ ' Sam typed his next line without thinking about it.

_'Want to move The Walking Dead to tomorrow? If I can lift the burden'._ And that way he could see for himself that Gabriel was actually fine and not lying to him. He knew that he tended to portrait things as less bad than they were when talking to people, just because he didn't want them to worry. He didn't put it past Gabe to do the same.

_'Sure Sammich. Tomorrow - technically today btw, three? I can't come pick you up though. Being stuck in bed does not stretch far enough to drive.’_

_'I'll figure something out_ ' he promised, feeling his eyelids start to droop. _'I'm going to call it a night. See you later Gabe.'_

               

Eventually, he ended up driving himself over. Mary didn't trust it in the slightest, knowing how bad Sam’s driving really was at times, but she couldn’t exactly stop him from doing so either. It wasn’t like he had another option. She couldn’t drop him of at Gabe’s place because she had to leave for work in a little while, John was at work and Dean was in school.

                All by all, the drive went well. He didn’t drive too fast at all and he only almost hit something two or three times. He got there in one piece, not a scratch on his car. It had felt wonderful driving in his own car again after leaving it to collect dust in the garage for at least a year. It did need some cleaning and stuff, but hell, it was still _his_ car, his beauty.

                Sam wasn’t like Dean. He wasn’t too awfully possessive of his car, didn’t call it ‘Baby’ like Dean did, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t proud of it. It was a beautiful car and it ran well. What else do you need?

               

Lucifer let him in, telling Sam that Gabriel was in his room but that he wasn’t sure if he was asleep or not. Sam had brought Gabriel a little basket, with a few things to help him, teas, honey, stuff like that. He’d put it together earlier while waiting for half past two to roll around so that he could leave the house. It had a blanket, tea, honey, biscuits and a tiny container of saline spray, of course paired with the first season of Castle ready for Gabe to watch.

                It was only fair that if Sam was going to watch The Walking Dead because of him, Gabe got to watch some of his favorite shows as well. And it wasn’t like it took that long to watch Castle anyway. Okay, it did have more episodes but they were shorter.

                Gabriel seemed to be somewhere in between being awake and being asleep, tucked away under the sheets connected to his oxygen concentrator.

                “Sammich,” he yawned before getting stuck in a coughing fit. “Hi.”

                “I’d ask you how you are, but,” Sam didn’t finish the sentence, staring at Gabriel instead and at the litter of cups next to his bed, all in different stages of being empty. He handed Gabriel the gift basket, who smiled in appreciation as he took the fuzzy blanket out and pulled it around himself. The plaid - made for a queen size bed - almost swallowed him, the way that Sam knew he liked when he was sick. He hoped that Gabe liked it too.

                “I’m better than before,” he sighed, “but I’m still not one hundred percent. As you can see.” He sat up, head resting against the wall behind him. “Do you mind?” He pointed at the DVD case next to him. “I’d do it, but that would be kind of a hassle.”

                “Sure,” Sam said before loading the DVD and flopping down on the couch. It was a little weird sitting as far away from Gabriel as he did, but he could hardly crawl into bed with him. Gabriel, seemed to think otherwise.

                “Come sit next to me Sammich, that’s just awkward.” So they ended up sitting together, Sam cross legged next to him with a blanket pulled around himself, totally engrossed in the television show. He found himself growing fonder of the series as the show progressed. He didn't know why he liked it as much as he did, but he did.

                After maybe a little over an hour, Gabriel's eyes started drooping.  After a little while, he sagged against Sam, using him as a pillow. Sam didn't even mind all that much, it was kind of comforting to know that Gabriel trusted him enough to fall asleep.

                He found himself absently stroking Gabriel's hair as he finished the episode, looking down each time that his breathing got uneven, each time that Gabriel stirred in his sleep.

 

Sam didn't know when, but he eventually too fell asleep, head resting against the headboard. By the time he woke up again, Luke had come knocking on the door, saying that dinner was ready and they should come eat. He even told Sam to drag Gabe's ass over if he didn't feel like eating. He had to eat something.

                “I hate you,” Gabe groaned, before sitting up properly.

                “Of course you do,” he grinned as he hooked him up to the portable oxygen tank next to the bed. “When’s the last time you actually ate?”

                “Yesterday I think.” Gabriel swayed lightly on his feet. “I’m not sure.” He held on to Sam’s arm as he almost stumbled over the threshold. “Probably yesterday.”

                “Come on, let’s go eat,” he muttered, arm resting by Gabriel’s back, steering the other man to his chair safely.

 

Chuck welcomed him with a smile when the two of them appeared in the doorway. Naomi was in the kitchen finishing up dinner, but she too smiled when he saw him.

                "Hello Sam," she said, "I see you got Gabriel out of his bed. Well done."

                "It took some coaxing,” Sam said with a shrug, sitting down next to Gabe. “The twins not home?”

                “Birthday party slash sleepover,” Luke said, “they don’t like being around when Gabriel is sick. He coughs too much, it keeps them up all night.” He shook his head. “He keeps everybody up, but they need more sleep and they worry too much about him.”

                “I second that,” Gabe said, “All the cups next to my bed? Their courtesy.” He did smile at this though. “Too protective.”

                “You are their brother,” Naomi shrugged, “and they’ve got reason to be worried Gabriel, we all are worried. Especially when you are sick like this. Last year, you ended up in the hospital because of a cold. I think we’ve got our reasons.”

 

After dinner, Sam helped Gabriel tuck himself back into bed with a steaming cup of tea, laced with enough honey to keep a thousand bees happy before giving him a quick hug and going back home. Outside, the sky was already turning dark, the sun leaving the sky a little early. Sam didn’t mind, he usually loved the night and the darkness. It was calm, peaceful.

                The house was dark when he entered it, throwing his keys on the table before calling out to announce that he was home. Dean was the only one at home - John out drinking with Bobby, one of his friends and their mother still at work – and he probably didn’t care that much about it.

                He heard his brother talking to someone as he passed the room, the other voice muffled by Dean and his guitar play.  He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard it. He hadn’t heard Dean play in months, the guitar always packed away because he had to work or because he overall wasn’t feeling it. Hearing his brother play again, it was amazing.

                There was silent laughter in the room, followed by Dean speaking again. Sam turned away from the room to head to his room, starting up his computer. He had gotten it from his grandparents for surviving through the surgery, as if that could somehow made him feel better about everything. It had, to an extent. It had given him something to do as he spend weeks in bed because he was too lazy to get in and out of the wheelchair every time that he had to get something.

                He smiled when he saw that Gabe had send him an invite through Skype. He accepted it and a little over two hours later, too accepted the video call.

                “Sammich,” he heard Gabriel say before the image even got through. “Still up?”

                “Yeah,” Sam sighed, rolling his eyes as he heard something fall to the floor in the room next to him. “Dean has a friend over and they aren’t exactly quiet.” He could hear the gears turning in Gabe’s head even as he spoke. The sly grin that spread across the other’s face was telling him enough. “Not like that, they are talking. I hope. Get your mind out of the gutter Gabe – I _don’t_ need the imagery.” Sam hadn’t even thought about the possibility of Dean having a girl over. He so did not need to hear his brother making out.

                “Is she charming?” Gabe smirked.

                “No idea,” Sam said, listening to see if he could understand what they were talking about. “They haven’t been out of Dean’s room yet. I guess I’ll see later or tomorrow. I swear, if she sits at the breakfast table tomorrow morning.”

                “Perhaps.” Sam was beginning to wonder if Gabe’s smirk was permanently etched onto his face or if he occasionally had a different expression. “Pictures or it didn’t happen.”

                “Why can’t you sleep? Still the cough?”

                “Yeah,” Gabe sighed, allowing himself to fall back a little in the pillows. “I’ll be better tomorrow or something though. Meds are starting to kick in, _finally._ ” Gabe smiled. “You have no idea how great regular cold meds are sometimes.”

                “I can imagine,” Sam said, smiling slightly, “glad to hear you are feeling better though.”

                “So, how amazing is this Castle show of yours?”

                “Pretty decent. Why don’t you figure it out yourself? You’ve got the box.”

                “Doesn’t sound fair.” In the dim light that the laptop Sam could see Gabe reach for the DVD, playing around with it in his hands. “I got to see your reactions to my favorite show, you get to see mine.”

                “Your parents might start to ask me rent if I start coming by more often,” Sam joked. “If you want, we can watch together through Skype?”

                “I’ll help you make the rent,” he said back, smiling.  “But Sammich, you are a _genius_.”

 

That was how they ended up watching Castle together until two am, talking a little in between episodes and Sam bursting out laughing a few times because of Gabriel’s expressions because they were nothing short of amazingly awkward.

                “Oh come on!” Gabriel had exclaimed when he saw the body covered in flowers, “just check local florists to see who bought a dozen roses and sunflowers!” Afterwards he had muttered something about how that was not his idea of romance at all – come on, at least a _little_ chocolate would have been nice – which caused Sam to seriously question Gabe’s idea of romance. He had said something after that, but Sam hadn’t quite caught that. Something about the body though.

                It led to them both falling asleep with the conversation still open. Sam woke up a few times, blinking at the view of a coughing Gabriel, but he didn’t mind, not that much. He just turned in his bed, almost knocking his laptop to the floor and fell asleep again.

                The next day however, Dean threw open the door to his room to wake him up at eight am, a wicked grin on his lips.

                “Rise and shine sleeping beauty,” Dean said, grinning as Sam blinked against the harsh light. He was going to _pay_ for doing that, his brother or not. “What? Too early. Too bad.” His covers were violently pulled away from him, sending his laptop off of his lap and almost flying to the floor. “If you can talk to your favorite barking dog all night, you can get up early too. We could barely sleep because of you two.”

 

Downstairs, Castiel was sitting at the breakfast table, sipping from a cup of coffee. His hair was tousled with sleep and he was wearing Dean’s PJ’s. If that didn’t manage to throw him off, he didn’t know what would. Without even realizing he did it, he was sweeping his gaze from Castiel to Dean, eyebrows raised.

                “Good morning Sam,” Castiel nodded sleepily as if this was the most normal situation that could ever occur. “I’m going to get dressed.” And Castiel was gone.

                “Dean?” Sam asked, more amused than anything else, “care to elaborate why Cas is here, running around in _your_ PJ’s?” Dean looked sheepishly up at his brother, not sure what to answer. After years of being around his brother, he’d gotten good at reading his expressions, but this one even Sam couldn’t decipher completely.

                “I,” Dean started, biting his bottom lip. “Cas and I are dating.” The words were spoken hurriedly, almost bleeding together. “I thought you should know. Mom’s not here today and he seems to like you and. Yeah. We’re dating.”

                “Wait, what?” The words left Sam’s mouth before he could stop them. He could barely bite back a smile as he looked at his brother. “Are you serious? That’s awesome, Dean!” He quickly hugged his brother. “Do mom and dad know?”

                Dean shook his head. “Not yet. I’m not sure how to.” Sam nodded, understanding.

                “Well, I’m happy for you two,” Sam said, before adding, “but seriously, give me a heads up, okay? I really do not need to hear that.” Dean flushed bright red, before slapping his brother on the shoulder.

                “Thanks, Sammy.”


	5. Chapter four

Things were blissfully calm for a while. October rolled by, November rolled by. Sam and Gabriel still talked on Skype all the time, occasionally hanging out when Gabriel didn’t have chemo. Dean still hadn’t told their parents about their relationship, but Sam respected that. It wasn’t like he would be too eager to tell his parents if he would be in a relationship with a guy.

                There had been a few occasions Sam, Dean and Castiel had been alone in the house for a night and Cas and Dean had always been so incredibly adorable when they were together. It still felt just that little bit awkward to see his brother curled up on the couch with somebody leaning in his lap. And to be fair, Dean kept it PG-13 whenever he was around.

                Sam loved being able to spend more time out of the hospital, being generally happy. His driving improved a damn lot. He got more used to driving around without feeling how much pressure he put on the pedal and started being steadier on the road.

                That proved to be handy when he and Gabe had a late night meeting to talk. They’d had those quite often when Gabriel started getting sicker again, when his lungs started to fail him more often. It seemed like he needed somebody to talk to about this stuff that wouldn’t be too worried about what was happening, like his parents were.

                Sam didn’t say that he was worried about Gabriel, because he knew that Gabriel wouldn’t appreciate it, but he was. Very worried sometimes, when he heard him cough his lungs out or when his oxygen tank just didn’t deliver him enough oxygen to get him up that flight of stairs.

                It was an early Sunday morning when he woke up at six am, unsure why he was up so damn early. After spending nights talking to Gabriel, he always slept in until at least eleven or until Dean decided that it was late enough and he had to get out of bed. He had a bad feeling, as if something was bound to happen or even had happened, a feeling that he couldn’t explain. He had woken up that way often after he had been declared cancer free, always afraid that something was up after all, that he wasn’t completely better. That was when he noticed his cell had lit up. The buzzing had probably woken him up.

                Lazily, he put his laptop to the side, the Skype call still open, showing a view of Gabriel’s empty bed, covers thrown to the side. There was a goofy smile on his lips when he shut off the computer and looked at a message.

                He was downstairs within minutes, not even bothering with putting on his jeans after clicking his prosthetic in place. Sam looked at his parent’s surprised faces as he did so, both of them looking at him in half shock to see him up at the early hour.

                “I need to drive over to the hospital,” he blurted out without really thinking. Worry spun out of control in his mind. “Gabe’s been admitted. I’m going to drive over there.” His parents just stared at him, eyes wide. John’s coffee cup frozen halfway to his mouth.

                “Sam,” Mary tried in her ‘ _I’m sorry Sammy’_ voice, “don’t you think you shouldn’t?” She look at him with an apologetic look in her eyes. “Maybe you should give the family some time. I know that was what your father and I appreciated when you were in the hospital.” That was the moment that Dean came walking downstairs too, phone pressed to his ear.

                “Mom, I have to go!” he tried, knowing that it wouldn’t work. Mary was too used to out of control patients.

                “Sam,” she silenced him with one glare, “I get that you and Gabe are good friends and that you are worried about him, but you can’t disturb them in the hospital.” If eyes could kill, she would kill so easily. “You won’t be of any help.”

                “Mom!”  

                “Sam Winchester.” She silenced him again with one glare. It wasn’t her angry glare, it was more as if she was tired. “We will call his parents to check up on him tomorrow, when they’ve got most people called that need to know and are settled down a little. You’ll be able to see him after. You shouldn’t bother them now.” He heard his brother say something to Castiel, who was on the other side of the line without a doubt.

                “You don’t understand.” He sounded so pleading, almost as if he was begging. The words rolled over his lips before he could stop them. “You don’t understand.”

                “We know you like him Sam, and that he’s been a very good friend to you,” John said before sighing, clearly fed up with his son’s diva behavior. “But.”

                “No you don’t!” He snapped this time, not being able to push it back any longer. “You think you do, but you don’t! I love him!” The room silenced audibly at his confession. “I don’t want to wait to see him until tomorrow mom. If something serious happens, things like that. I don’t, I don’t want the last time we talked to be through Skype okay. I… I gotta go mom. Sorry.” Dean was still on the phone, but had his keys in hand as he waited by the door. He threw his parents an apologetic look, just long enough to see them sitting frozen again, a mixture of surprise and realization dawning in their features.

 

The atmosphere in the car was tense to say the least. Dean was weirdly quiet, his usual AC/DC playing, but turned down for a change. Not that Sam minded that much, he hated it when Dean turned up his music that loud, but it just wasn’t Dean.

                “Just spit it out already,” he muttered, staring out the car window to the trees flashing by. “I know you probably have something to say.”

                “You shouldn’t have told them like that,” he eventually complied before shaking his head. “It’s good that they know, but what do you expect me to say? It is 2012 Sam, Cas and I are a thing now. I can hardly be against you loving another man.” He shook his head again. “How come my little brother outs himself before the older brother with a boyfriend has the chance to huh?”

                “Thanks, Dean,” he said, not sure what else to say. He hadn’t really expected his brother to say anything bad about it for the exact reason that Dean indeed was gay or bisexual or, whatever. Sam knew that Dean was still conflicted about all of it, otherwise, he would have already old their parents.

                “Does he know?”

                “No,” Sam sighed in reply. “I didn’t, I don’t. I just don’t know how to tell him.” God damn, he was a walking cliché. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship as cliché as that may sound.” He shrugged. “It’s just that I don’t want to lose him. What if I freak him out by telling him Dean?”

                “If there is somebody you should be clear with Sam, it’s him.” Dean stared ahead, deliberately not looking at him. There was an awkward silence in the car as he waited for Dean’s to continue speaking. “Because, look, I don’t know how much time you’ve got with him. I don’t want to be harsh or cruel or anything like that, Sammy, but he is sick and he won’t get better. Cas and I were talking about that last week. You know how Castiel is considered part of the family in the Novak household.” Dean looked at him. “You probably already know that, but Gabe isn’t getting better. His parents don’t want to tell him, but what they are doing right now, it’s not getting him better. The doctors are trying to make him comfortable and alive for as long as possible.” The information was nothing new to Sam. He had known for a while, Gabriel had told him the day before. That had been why all of this had surprised him that much that Gabriel had been admitted to the hospital, because he had looked so healthy.

                “Gabe knows, Dean,” Sam sighed, “he told me yesterday.” The day before, they had hung out in his room all day. As they lay on his bed, Gabriel had started tearing up out of nowhere, before burying his head in his pillow. It was a result of the chemo, Sam knew that. Gabriel always reacted in a rather emotional way to the fatigue that chemo brought along for him. Between sobs, he had told him how his parents were keeping it a secret from him, how doctors were kidding him and how he was so damn sick of it. How he was sick of always having to take Castiel as a companion because his parents couldn’t make it and how he was so tired of _everything_.

                Sam had just stayed silent through his tirade, allowing him to sob. It was all that he could do, it wasn’t like he could pull him in his arms, even though that was all that he wanted to do. He couldn’t let Gabriel know about his feelings towards him, too afraid that it would ruin everything that they had and weird him out, steer him away. So he had just stayed silent and allowed him to be, murmuring kind words every once in a while.

                “Do you realize, Sammy?” Dean asked again, “I don’t care that he knows, as harsh as it may sound.” Sam realized with a start that Dean was worried about him, actually full on worried. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

 

The hospital was as expected at eight am, cold and chilly. Dean had told him to go right in but wait for him in the entrance hall as he found a good spot to park the car. Castiel was waiting for them in the lobby, a hot cup of coffee clasped in his hands. There was a second and a third one on a table beside him, still steaming hot. Sam had never been more grateful to see something as simple as coffee.

                “Gabriel has been brought to a room,” he said per introduction before handing them their cups. Dean stood beside Castiel, threading his free hand through the other man’s, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Currently, his condition is stable. There was extra fluid in his lungs. The discomfort wasn’t going away, not even with the oxygen tank on the highest of settings. They noticed when he was already getting blue in the face.“

                “Thanks for sending me a text,” Sam murmured, his hands trembling slightly. He was probably pale too, but he didn’t really care about that too much. He was worried, so god damn worried.

                “Don’t worry,” Castiel said, “it’s fine. Dean wouldn’t have been happy with me if I hadn’t.” He looked over at Sam with avid curiosity. “I heard what you told your mother Sam. That was, brave of you.” Sam smiled a little grimly at him, before taking a sip. The hot liquid scalded his lips, but he didn’t mind.

                “What are they doing right now? Draining his lung or what is the plan?” Sam was nowhere near familiar enough with lung cancers, but what he had heard from previous things, it was what they usually did if something like that happened.

                “They are. I haven’t seen him yet, but they should come back when they have information about his current condition. It shouldn’t take too long now.”

 

They waited in the waiting room for what seemed like hours. Around noon, they had gotten about two updates on how he was doing – at the moment awake but still out of it and drifting back to sleep every few minutes – and Dean was getting restless. Castiel proposed grabbing a bite in the cafeteria, which Dean gladly took, but Sam didn’t.

                He was too worried about Gabe to eat. The thought made him nauseous. Only when Naomi came downstairs with Chuck did the nerves settle a little bit. They both looked worn and exhausted, ready to pass out.

                “We’re quickly going to eat something while he’s out,” Chuck said when he spotted Sam, curled up on a waiting room seat. “You should probably go home Sam, I don’t know if he’ll be awake enough today to see his friends.”

                “I’m going to hang around a bit if that’s okay?” he asked, hoping they would say yes. “I’m, worried about him.” He chose his words carefully. “I’d only ponder when I’m at home anyway. Do you mind?”

                “Of course not darling,” Naomi said, a knowing smile on her lips. “Do you want to keep him company for a little while? We don’t like leaving him alone in the room, in case he should wake up.”

                “If that’s okay with you.”

               

That was how Sam ended up by room 2503, idling by the door. He didn’t know why, but just going inside made him feel anxious, scared even. He stood in the door for a little while, looking at the all too white bed and the cannula - the all too familiar sight – looped around Gabriel’s ears. When he noticed that Gabriel was starting to stir, he walked in, sitting down on the chair next to the bed.

                “Sam?” The voice was silent, but unmistakably Gabriel’s. God, he sounded awful.

                “Hey sleeping beauty,” Sam teased, smiling as he blinked against the bright light. “You scared the crap out of everybody.” Gabriel even managed a smirk, growling slightly. “I don’t know the details, but they are draining your lungs from fluid.”

                “Where are mom and dad?” Gabriel still managed to sound sleepy even though he probably had been sleeping away the most of the day already.”

                “They are in the cafeteria, as are Dean and Castiel. They were starving.” He threw him an accusing glare. “You were out so they figured they could go downstairs for a little while. Do you want me to get them for you?”

                “No,” Gabriel sighed, before falling back on the bed. “It’s fine. They worry too much anyways.”

                “Worry too much? You get us worrying too much,” Sam huffed before he could get his mouth shut. He knew that Gabriel didn’t like worrying people and now wasn’t the time to make him feel guilty. “Not that you can do anything about that. But still. You make us all worry. When people care, they worry.”

                “How long have you been here?” Sam knew that he should probably lie to Gabe, but instead, he told the truth.

                “I’ve been here since eight, on the road since six,” Sam admitted, sheepishly. “I left as soon as Castiel send me the text that you’d been admitted.” He knew that it sounded too goddamn weird and maybe just a little as if he was a stalker. Gabriel didn’t really seem to mind though. “Are you tired?” He sure did look tired. “I could leave you alone if you want to be alone for a little while? Having you parents around at all times must, well suck. Pretty sure you don’t want that from your friends as well.”

                “Yeah,” Gabe yawned, “but Sam?” Gabriel was already sinking back into unconsciousness. “Will you please stay? I don’t want to be alone right now.” Hands slid around his wrist. “Please? Just until my parents are back, if you want to leave, you can. I just.” Gabriel was actually blushing as he spoke. “Nice PJ’s by the way.”

                “Yeah, sure Gabe. Sleep,” Sam said, shrugging to hide the affectionate smile on his lips. He was blushing too. He had totally forgotten that he was still wearing his PJ’s instead of a normal pair of slacks. Oh well. He was in a hospital, it wasn’t like they thought that it was _that_ weird. “I’ll wait here.” Gabriel was utterly unpredictable, especially when he was sick. Not that Sam minded as he sat back down, Gabriel already asleep with Sam’s wrist still caught in his grip.

                He didn’t know how long he sat there, gently rubbing circles at Gabriel’s wrist, flinching each time a monitor beeped or his breathing changed.

 

Sam stayed in the room until Naomi and Chuck returned from grabbing a bite and he managed to pry his wrist free without waking Gabe up. Naomi looked at him, again sporting that knowing smile that made Sam wonder if he was that obvious when he was at the Novak’s house. He told them with a gentle smile that Gabriel had woke up but had gone back to sleep. They thanked him for staying with him, Naomi even giving him a quick hug.

“Do you want me to go ahead and pick up some stuff for him?” He didn’t know what else he could offer to make it a little bit easier for both of his parents. “I mean, it wouldn’t be a bother. And if there is anything that I can do, I’d love to help you out.”

“If you’d be willing to do that, that would be wonderful,” Naomi sighed. “I’ll write a little list for you and give you the keys, just in case. Lucifer is home I think, he should be able to tell you where everything is and if he isn’t, just call us, we’ll give you pointers.” She quickly scribbled some stuff down. “The nanny is there with Hael and Hester, but she probably won’t attempt killing you. The twins know you after all.” She smiled warmly at him and thanked him one more time before going back to her son’s hospital room.

 

Dean agreed to drive home with Cas and allowed Sam to drive his car to the Novak house. It took about an hour to drive over there, but Sam didn’t really mind. He knew how annoyed his parents had been when one of them had to leave the hospital to get stuff like PJ’s and toothbrushes or other things like that that weren’t completely necessary. He wanted to help them out if he could and if anything, he didn’t want to face them. Not now.

                He turned the key in the lock and stepped inside. Both Hael and Hester’s heads snapped up expectantly before they started laughing. He got why they started laughing, it was kind of comical to see him come in in his Batman PJ’s.

                “Laugh all you want,” he said, grinning. “Gabe is doing a bit better than he was before. He’s going to be okay.”  They both looked incredibly relieved. “I’m picking up some stuff for your brother, so how about we create him a get better soon drawings huh? Do you think he’d like that?” Both girls perked up at that and turned back to their drawings they had already been working on.

                The nanny was in the kitchen making them breakfast. Sam quickly explained what he was doing there, so that she wouldn’t come in with a skillet when he was rummaging through Gabriel’s things. That would be anti-climactic and well, a hospital trip with a concussion wouldn’t help the situation.

                Sam was a little unsure to what he should pack, but eventually managed to get everything that Gabriel’s mother had told him to bring – including the fluffy blanket - and three drawings from Hael and Hester – he had pitched in and started drawing too, as awful as he was at it. He felt kind of sorry that they had to stay home all day while their brother was in the hospital. He could see how worried they were for their brother, even if they did manage to hide it pretty well. 

 

Gabriel ended up in the hospital for six days before they discharged him. Castiel kept him updated on how he was doing and he and Gabriel talked through Skype too when he was up for it. Sam didn’t sleep well all that time though, because he was worried. Call him cheesy and a hopeless romantic, but because Gabe was in the hospital and he only got sporadic updates, he was worried enough for it to keep him awake at night.

                Gabriel’s parents were in a bit of a jiffy though. They had booked a week at the coast for everybody in the family but Gabe a while ago when things had been running a smooth for long enough for Gabe to be able to survive a week by himself without help. Right now, that wasn’t the case at all, he was still sick, still weak. Heck, Sam had probably not seen him as weak in a long, long time. Everybody in the family had seemed to completely forget about the vacation, until Gabe reminded them that they had a condo booked for them.

                By that time, they couldn’t get their money back, even though they made call after call, the agency refused to do so, even said that if they cancelled now, they would be paying a fee. That was why they started the search for somebody in the family that knew about Gabe’s medical condition, knew enough to know how to react if something happened and actually could get over there and be there for a whole week.

                When they came up blank after a week of looking and two more days before the trip, Gabriel asked Sam through Skype if he would be up for staying over.

                “You’re my last option,” he almost pleaded, “Lucifer is driving me _crazy._ ” The desperation was clear in his voice. “ _Drink your tea Gabriel, are you vent settings still okay_. He’s worse than mom is!” He rolled his eyes. “And if they get my aunt crazy enough to actually come, she probably won’t allow me out of my damn bed. Please Sam?”

                He could hardly not listen to that adorable smile, the little head tilt that he had no doubtfully learned from Castiel and the pleading in Gabriel’s eyes. “But only because you are about the most adorable sick person in the history of ever.”

                “Thank you!” Gabriel said, smiling widely, “I could hug you right now!”

                “Just go to sleep Gabriel,” he said, shaking his head with a grin on his lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

 

His parents however weren’t at all a fan of his decision to stay at Gabriel’s house. They told him a nice and firm _no_ ignoring it further. He would have sneaked out of the house if it hadn’t been for Dean defending him. Mary and John were though customers, but Dean eventually managed to persuade him to allow him to go.

                “You call every night,” Mary said sternly as she helped him pack his bag. ‘If there is something wrong with Gabriel, you call me or page me. If you can’t reach me, call the hospital. They’ll connect you to me. Go to bed at a decent time! And please don’t feed him burned stuff. He’s already sick, don’t make it worse.” She continued for at least twenty minutes, telling him what to do and what he shouldn’t even attempt doing by a long shot.

                “I’ll call every day,” he promised before slinging his bag over his shoulder, “and it’s only a week mom. We’ll survive.” She looked at least a bit doubtful before going through his bag.

                “I know,” she sighed. “Can’t your mother be worried?” She smiled. “Call me when you get there?”

               

Gabriel’s parents were about to leave when he arrived, packing the car with more stuff than he thought was possible to fit into a minivan. Hael and Hester ran over to him when he got out, to give him a quick, but welcome, hug.

                “Sammich,” Gabe said from the swings in the yard, a blanket thrown over his legs. “Glad you could make it.”

                “Always Gabe,” he said, maybe a little teasingly. “I see I got here just in time.” He crouched down to throw his arms quickly around Hester and Hael’s shoulders. “Are you guys excited to go to the beach?”

                “Yeah,” Hester said, with a smile. “It’s a shame that Gabe can’t come though.”

                “Yeah,” Hael added, “things are silent without Gabe.” Sam could see Gabriel smirk.

                “You can call,” Sam promised them, “and it’s only a week. I’ll take real good care of him, okay? Is it okay if I promise that?” The girls nodded before climbing in the car. Before driving off, Naomi and Chuck thanked him again, pressing how it really helped them. Sam just shrugged it off. It was no problem.

                “Just go,” he told them, “I’ll call my mother if something happens, she’s a nurse, and she knows what to do.” He threw them a reassuring smile. “I’ll keep him fed and happy.”

                “They really like you,” Gabriel said when Sam sat down next to him, watching his parents drive away. “It took them forever to get used to Cas.”

                “I think it’s mainly your sisters that like me, Gabe,” Sam said, smiling. “Your parents just tolerate me. Let’s get you inside huh? It’s cold outside.” And it was pretty damn cold out. It was only forty degrees outside, their breaths coming out in little clouds, “and we don’t want to risk you getting a pneumonia now, do we? Your parents would eat me alive, skin me.”

               

Sam tucked Gabriel into bed, not even bothering to listen to his complaints about not being a toddler. One stern look from Sam and he was pretty compliant about being put to bed by somebody younger than him.

                “You are freezing,” Sam remarked before draping a second blanket over him. “How about we move you downstairs when you’re no longer an ice cube.” Gabe didn’t reply, he just curled up in his blankets, managing to get the cannula trapped in them.

                “Can you?”

                “Sure,” Sam said, before connecting Gabe to the concentrator and helping him get his cannula free from the pile of blankets. “Do you want tea?”

“No,” Gabriel sighed. “Do you mind putting on a movie?” He looked tired and probably wouldn’t last longer than a fifth of the movie, but oh well. “Doesn’t matter which.”

“How about Castle?” Sam asked with a smirk. “We still haven’t finished season one yet and we only have a few episodes left.” Gabe agreed sleepily before stacking pillows behind his back, leaving a few for Sam.

“Sure thing Samish.”

               

Sam smiled when he noticed Gabe starting to get sleepy and eventually actually fall sleep. He felt kind of bad waking him up from his slumber, but it was dinner time and he could hardly allow Gabe to go without food. Mary would kill him if she’d hear that he allowed Gabe without food for a night too.

                He had snuck downstairs without waking him up so that he could get started on food for the both of them. Sam wasn’t a chef, he didn’t cook all that great. He had called his mom to see if she knew something that he could make. When Mary answered the phone, she’d laughed for a solid minute before telling him how to make her patented sick people chicken soup.

                It probably tasted nothing like it was supposed to taste, even if it did smell quite spot on. Sam was okay with edible right now and Gabe really wasn’t a high maintenance customer. He’d probably eat anything that Sam put in front of him.

                His theory was the correct one. Gabe finished his bowl of soup within a few minutes. Sam had only just started eating his bowl of food, mainly because he wanted to make sure that Gabe finished his. The soup was too warm to eat anyway.

                “I should have you cook dinner more often,” Gabriel sighed, “I didn’t know that you were a super-secret master chef.”

                “Of course you don’t, here are your meds,” Sam said, slight smile on his lips. “And I’m not that good of a cook. This is the Winchester family receipt for chicken soup. So thank my mom.” He made sure that he swallowed each and every one of them before going downstairs to clean up the kitchen. Gabriel would be out like a light soon enough anyway.

                He’d have to ask Gabe where he could sleep while staying there. He should have asked before, but he just forgotten all about that. He felt a little uncomfortable sleeping in beds of which the owners hadn’t really given him permission to do so. He could hardly sleep in Hester’s or Hael’s bed, Sam would probably freak out because of all the princesses all around. Sleeping in Luke’s bed or even Chuck and Naomi’s bed would be weird enough.

 

Gabriel was still awake when Sam went up to check up on him around ten. He’d finished the dishes, cleaned up downstairs and eventually dozed off in the couch for a few minutes. Sam hadn’t meant to stay downstairs too long, so that Gabe wouldn’t feel too alone.

                Gabe sat upright in his bed, trying to get his shirt off without getting tangled up in the wires. The bandage on his ribcage was spotted an angry red, but even from the door opening he could see that it wasn’t new blood. He suppressed a laugh before going over to help Gabe out, who had by now turned a violent shade of tomato red and was trying to hide under his blankets.

                “Come on Gabe,” Sam said, catching his arms. “Let me help you out here.”

                “I can dress myself,” Gabe complained as Sam pulled his head free and disconnected the cannula.

                “What you can’t do, is change a dressing,” he scolded. “Did you tell your mom you’d ask me to do it and then forgot? Where’s the antiseptic?” Gabriel pointed at the nightstand, if possible even redder than before. “Maybe I should buy you a stack of post-it’s, so you can write things down.” He grinned at Gabriel before telling him to turn around so that he could change the bandage. A slight shudder pulled through his rib cage as Sam carefully peeled away the dressing, revealing the almost closed wound. “I know my hands are cold, sorry.”

                “That’s okay,” Gabriel said before sighing, “totally fine. Just remind me to give you a cup of coffee to warm up your hands before you change the dressing next time.” Sam hated making Gabriel flinch as he poured some antiseptic over the site and put a clean gauze over the little cut.

                “Do you need help with anything else?” he asked when he had his shirt PJ shirt back over his head.

                “Yeah, could you throw me my PJ pants?” Sam laughed before throwing him his pants, turning his back to Gabe so he could change without feeling more embarrassed than he probably already was. “Thanks Sam.”

                Sam’s eyes scanned the walls and the hundreds of pictures. He adored some of them, like the picture that showed ten year old Gabe, Hael on one knee and Hester on the other. All three of them were smiling widely, clearly happy. It was weird, seeing Gabe with actual hair now that it had all fallen out and Gabriel had resorted to wearing beanies and hats all the time to keep warm.

                That was when his eyes fell to another picture. It was one of Gabriel and somebody else that Sam couldn’t quite figure out who it was. They were sitting close to each other, close to a campfire, a blanket strewn around their shoulders. What threw him off about this picture was how happy Gabe looked, how oddly healthy he seemed.

                “My ex,” Gabe said from the bed, “that picture was taken two years ago.” There was a tone in his voice that Sam couldn’t quite place. Almost a mix between melancholy and nostalgia. “We decided to end things a little after I got in the hospital a few weeks ago.” Gabe tried to come closer so he could have a look as well, but the cannula prevented him of doing so. Sam took the picture off the wall and sat down on the bed next to him. This would be a long conversation.

                “I should have taken it down,” Gabe muttered, finger tracing the outlines of both of their bodies on the picture, “it’s not like we really loved each other. When we split up, we hadn’t been in love with each other for a _long_ time. We just stayed together because it felt like the right thing to do. It was me who broke things off. Matthew didn’t want to be the one to say that we’d better split up because I was in the hospital. Nobody wants to be that ass who leaves when things get rough.” Gabriel huffed. “I couldn’t let him stay if there was nothing there, didn’t want his pity. This is one of our best memories together.”

                “At least you still have them,” Sam sighed, a little unsure of what to say to this. His mind was going into overdrive at the mention of a Matthew and the pronouns. “Ruby and I, we pretty much split up on the worst terms possible.”

                “What happened?”

                “We were together for three years,” Sam started, smiling wryly. “We were pretty close. So when I heard that I had Osteosarcoma, it had to tell her as soon as possible you know? She said that she needed a day or so to let it sink in. I got that, I really did. Hell, _I_ needed another year to get used to it. But then I didn’t hear from her for two weeks, she ignored me when I wanted to talk. She said that she was sorry, but that she couldn’t do it when I was about to go in for my first chemo session.” Sam hadn’t even told Dean any of it, knowing that it would only upset Dean more. He didn’t know why he seemed to have no problems opening up to Gabe about this. The words wouldn’t stop coming. “I was so goddamn angry at first. I never hated her for what she did, because I understood to a certain degree.” He fell silent, words dying in his throat. “Loving a kid with cancer can be, rough. I still loved her. And I couldn’t hate her because next thing I knew, I was in the hospital getting chemo and a few weeks later admitted because I almost bled to death.” He absently shook his head. “So yeah, missing Ruby got pushed to the side.”

                “That sucks.”

                “I’m over it now, thank God. Oh and Gabe, where should I sleep?” The abrupt change of topic saved him from telling more, explaining how he had never even thought that he would ever fall in love again after her.

                “Wherever. Mom and dad said that you could sleep wherever you wanted, Hester and Hael pressed that you could sleep in their beds if you wanted, but lengthwise, that may be a little short.”

                Sam snorted, “Just a tad. Is it okay if I just sleep in the pull-out couch? I kinda don’t want to sleep in your family’s beds. That would be just _weird_.”

                “You can try to see if you get the couch to work,” Gabe said, “but if it doesn’t, you are going to sleep in somebody’s bed. Damn, I’m not _that_ bad of a host.”

 

Sam tried for at least fifteen minutes to get the couch to pull out before he threw the towel in the ring. It wasn’t working, not at _all_.

                “Seriously Gabriel,” Sam sighed, falling down in his bed, avoiding the other man’s limbs. “How can you have no idea how to work the damn thing? It’s in your room.”

                “Dad always pulls it out for me! Or Cas does when he is here!” Sam couldn’t help but feel jealousy build up inside of him. “There is a manual somewhere? I just don’t know where.”

                “I’ll call Dean tomorrow or we’ll call Cas if we don’t find the manual,” Sam said, yawning. “God knows he’ll laugh his ass of, but he’s Dean. I’ll just sleep on the couch for now. It’s no problem.”

                Gabe wouldn’t hear it though and refused to doze off until Sam was safe and sound asleep in _a_ bed. It didn’t even matter where at this point, Gabriel just didn’t seem to want him to be uncomfortable. This, even though Sam pressed that he felt really uncomfortable sleeping in a bed that wasn’t his.

                He did end up sleeping in Lucifer’s bed, since the alternative was sleeping in the same bed as Gabriel and that would be nothing short of awkward. Luke’s room was pretty close to Gabriel’s room anyway and the door was open, so if there should be a problem, he would hear him yell.

                Sam almost felt like an annoying parent taking these kind of measures to assure that Gabe was safe, but he was worried. Gabe was probably already thinking that maybe that aunt was a better option than him, but hey, he was just worried about him. And it wasn’t like he’d be like this all week. Probably, things would be less awkward and less worrisome the next day. Sam just wasn’t used to being there and taking care of others.  Dean had always been the one to take care of Sam and even Adam had always been looking after him even though he had already moved out of the house.


	6. Chapter five

The next few days passed by in a calm haze. Gabriel finally got out of bed all the time by day three and Sam couldn’t say that he wasn’t not happy to see him improve. No, seeing him up and walking around, not caught in his blankets and connected to the oxygen concentrator, it helped ease his worries big time. Admittedly, he did put a scarf around his neck when they went out grocery shopping and made sure that he was warm enough, making Gabriel groan and huff, but at least he complied.

They found the manual for the couch the next day and found out they were idiots. When he called Mary and told her the tale, she burst out laughing for long enough that Dean and Sam had a conversation before she took the phone away. It was pretty stupid of them not to figure it out though. Sleeping was just that little bit weirder. He woke up all the time from Gabriel tossing and turning in his bed or coughing.

The third night he actually had to shake Gabe awake. Sam had woken up from the frantic tossing and turning on the other side of the room, Gabe’s distraught mumbling that he didn’t understand, not the slightest. Hopping over had been awkward, almost landing him right on top of him, but it was worth it.

“Gabe,” he said, gently shaking his shoulders. “Gabe!” The oxygen cannula was getting undone, travelling to his mouth. “Gabe, it’s just a dream, wake up.”

“Sam?” he breathed a sigh of relief before sitting back, realizing how threatening it must look to wake up with somebody pretty much sprawled on top of you. Gabe put his cannula back in place, probably already feeling its loss. “What time is it?”

“Three am,” Sam sighed. “You okay? That seemed like a pretty bad nightmare.”

“I’m fine Sammy,” Gabe sighed, falling back into his pillow.  “Just, don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” Sam’s eyebrows rose in the dark, a notion that Gabe didn’t see, but reacted to regardless. “Okay, not really.”

“Want to talk about it?” And so they did. Gabriel started talking about his nightmare and didn’t stop, not even to catch his breath. Sam kind of felt sorry for him, knowing that he was already having a tough time without. Gabriel ended up curling up against Sam, seeking comfort.

               

That was how they woke up the next morning, Gabriel curled up against him, one leg carelessly draped over Sam’s, hands curled around him and head resting on his torso. Sam couldn’t say that he minded waking up like this, even though it was probably something completely else for him than it was for Gabe.

                Not that he was awake at the moment. He was out like a coma patient, still muttering under his breath but clearly in a better mood than he was just a few hours ago. Hopefully, also caught in a better dream than before.

                Sam kind of felt like a creep, looking at Gabriel sleep, but he could hardly sleep get out of bed now that Gabriel was pretty much pinning him down anyway.  Not that he minded, Gabriel’s body was warm, it made his mind wonder places that it shouldn’t go, area’s best undiscovered, especially with him so close by.

                He was going to hell for this. For feeling like this, unsure if the feelings were mutual or not. It would be the death of him, the complete and utter death of him.

                “Stay with me?” Gabe suddenly asked. If he hadn’t been dreaming, Sam would have been startled by the question. The picture of Gabriel and his ex-boyfriend stood on the nightstand next to him. It made Sam just that little bit jealous. He would give anything for Sam to have been that guy, to spend nights with Gabe, make him feel loved. Not accepting defeat and giving up on love as easily as the two of them had done. He would have wanted to _fight_.

                Gabe deserved that, to be fought for. Feeling like you stand alone when going into the cancer story is, _awful_. Sam had been there and the last thing that he wanted was for Gabriel to feel even remotely like that. Especially because his diagnosis was so much worse. Sam wished that he could say that Gabe having to carry around an oxygen tank and probably not getting better didn’t matter to him, that it didn’t change the way that he treated Gabriel. But that would be lying.

                “What are you thinking so hard about?” Gabriel’s voice had his usual mocking vibe, nothing of the sleepiness that had been in it before there.  “Might give you a headache Sammich.”

                “It’s nothing,” he sighed, absently playing with the fabric of his shirt. “Just thinking.”

                “Don’t think too hard,” he said again, before rolling away from Sam and on his back to look at the alarm clock.  “It’s too early to be thinking.”

                “Well, I’m thinking breakfast. Too early for that too?”

               

Sam made scrambled eggs and bacon for breakfast, meanwhile taking in the mess that the house had become. There was laundry everywhere – a mix of both their clothes – dishes that had to be done, empty bags of chips in on the couch, blankets strewn across it lazily.

                “Still thinking Sammy?” Gabe appeared behind him, for once going unnoticed even though he was carrying his oxygen tank. “Told you, unhealthy. Headaches.”

                “Yeah, yeah,” Sam sighed, sliding the eggs on two plates. “I was just thinking that I was going to miss it here. And that we should probably clean before your parents get back, that’s all.” Gabe took his plate before glancing around and making a face. “I’m not doing it by myself. You can forget about that.”

 

Grocery shopping with Gabe was always an adventure. Sam tried to get some healthier foods in the cart, like salad, cucumber, tomatoes while Gabe tried to persuade him to get about half of the candy section, like an excited toddler. Not that he let him take more than a chocolate bar and a bag of mixed candy.

                “Seriously Gabe!” he said, rolling his eyes as the passed the soda section and his face lit up. “How you’re not diabetic yet, I have no idea. Seriously.”

                “Sick people need candy,” Gabriel shrugged, “and we’re not all health nuts.” He frowned when he looked down in the cart and saw the vegetables. “Oh come on Sammy!”

                “Fine.”

 

Wine should be forbidden in all countries. _All of them_. For being too damn delicious. That were Sam’s conclusions after a night of hanging on the couch with Gabe, drinking the bottle of wine that Gabriel had found in his parent’s alcohol stash and he’d stolen.

                He wasn’t supposed to be drinking, being not old enough to do so and on medication, but they figured that it wouldn’t harm them if they drank once. They weren’t even going to go overboard on the wine, one glass each and that would be it. Not that actually happened. Not by a long shot.

                “We’re not telling your parents about this,” Sam decided before getting up. “They’d kill me if they knew that I’ve gotten you drunk. Nor are we telling my parents. They’ll skin me alive.”

                “Oh come on Sammich,” Gabriel laughed, pulling him back on the couch. “I’m twice as fun while I’m drunk. _You_ are trice as funny when you are drunk.” The house was a mess from their pillow fight earlier that neither of them had wanted to clean up. “How about a movie huh?”

                Sam must be drunker than he thought he was, because he didn’t even attempt protesting when Gabe put in Titanic. He had seen the movie entirely too often. Mary adored the movie, so every year they watched it at least two times.

                And Sam wasn’t emotional, neither was Gabe, but both had tears in their eyes as the boat started to sink and Rose and Jack were left in the cold, not fitting on the floating headboard together. The sex scene had just been that little bit uncomfortable, but hey, scenes like that were meant to embarrass you.

                Per usual, Gabe’s head was resting in his lap. If Gabe had had hair, he’d probably be toying with it. Up until recently, he’d always had just that little bit of hair sticking out, even if it wasn’t that long. Just before he left the hospital, he’d shaven it off. Sam didn’t know why, but it seemed to make him feel a little bit better. It was all that mattered. He was damn sure that he would be playing with it, but the ends of his beanie was a decent alternative. Gabe didn’t even seem to mind anyway.

                “I hate this ending,” Gabe sighed, wiping away the tears in his eyes. “Why did he have to die? He’s the only handsome one in the whole damn movie.”

                “Gabriel Milton!” Sam said, laughing. “Do you have a celebrity crush on Leonardo? You are the most cliché gay person I have _ever_ met.” He smiled widely. “And I’ve met _very_ cliché people.”

                “Pansexual, mind you. Active in the community huh?” Sam could feel the smile stretch across Gabriel’s lips. “Can’t say I’m not surprised Sammich.”

                “It’s a member card thing, isn’t it?” He was too damn drunk to have a filter. Sam would want to smack himself in the head when he was sober enough to care about it. “Card carrying members have to be active.” Sam bit down a laugh. “No, but I’ve seen some of the most cliché people pass by. I didn’t take you for one of them. My mother probably will love you if you ever mention the Titanic and Leonardo to her.”

                “She already loves me.” And that was probably the damn truth. Mary loved, capital L Loved Gabe. And he didn’t even pretend that that didn’t make him feel that little bit happier. Not that Gabe really noticed that Sam liked that.

                “She does,” he agreed. “She adores you.” He didn’t even know why Mary liked Gabe as much as she did. Maybe because he was one of the first friends that he’d made that actually stuck around him even though they knew about his cancer. Maybe that was because Gabe had cancer too. He didn’t really care that much. “And she’s not the only one, you blind _idiot_.” The last part was whispered, barely loud enough for himself to hear it. If Gabe heard, he stayed silent.

                              

The rest of the night was a haze. When Sam woke up with a slight headache and aching limbs, but he didn’t even mind that much. He was still in this blissful post sleep daze and it was _awesome_. Not that it was a word that Sam would use, or maybe he did. That was Gabe’s influence on him.

                Talking about the devil, Gabe was still in his lap, curled up against him. He was still asleep, drooling just ever so slightly. And Sam didn’t even mind. It was maybe just that little bit selfish, but oh well. Gabe was adorable when he was asleep, lips hanging open and smiling.

                “Good morning,” he whispered softly, hands rubbing gently over Gabriel’s bald head, fingers tracing circles and words, knowing that he wouldn’t wake up from it anyway. He wondered if Gabriel was really not waking up from this or if he was pretending. _I love you_ he spelled out, a slight smile on his lips, waiting a little before adding. _Idiot._ His fingers traced the exact same words over and over again, until Gabe started stirring and he stopped.

“Who are you calling and idiot Sasquatch,” he sighed, before opening his eyes and looking up at him. Those eyes should really be illegal, tired as he may seem. “I’m no idiot.”

                “Good morning to you too.” Sam laughed nervously, hoping to God that Gabriel hadn’t been awake for the ‘ _I love you’._ “Out of your sleep induced coma?”

                “I want to go back,” Gabe groaned, “I hate headaches.”

                “Join the club.” Sam had to bite back a groan as he stood up. It was too goddamn bright. “I’ll make breakfast.”

               

Sam had went out to get the mail while Gabe changed into more decent clothing. They would have to be in the hospital in a few hours so that Sam could get a check-up and Gabe pick up his prescription drugs. It was as he was making breakfast that he noticed the white envelope with golden lettering that he had thrown on the counter without looking at it only a few minutes ago. _Gabriel Milton_ was written on it, his address underneath in the same familiar lettering.

                “Hey, Gabe,” he called, spatula still in hand. He was cooking them both eggs and bacon so that they wouldn’t faint on the way to the hospital, “you’ve got mail!” Gabe grinned at this remark, the smug smile that Sam was probably going to miss a freaking lot if he and Gabe ever stopped being friends for whatever foolish reason.

                “Are you Joe or Kathleen? Because if I get to pick, I am Joe.”

                “You actually know their names? Dude. Biggest, walking, cliché.” Gabe swatted at him playfully. “ _’You’ve got mail’_ is a chick flick.” That Sam had seen six times, not that he’d admit that, “and you know the characters names. That’s, cliché dude.”

                “You know their names were right, kettle.”

                Sam laughed, before handing him the envelope. “Like I said, you’ve got mail.” He brought his attention back to the food before they turned burned and let Gabriel read his royal mail, or whatever it may be. “If the Queen of England invites you over for tea, I’ll pretend to be your plus one.” Gabe grinned at him, before taking out a little piece of paper out of the invite and passing it to him.

                “Guess which friend of ours has decided to tie the knot,” he said, “our one and only redhead.”

                “That’s great,” he said, smiling as he read the invitation. “Can they marry any further away though?”

                “Some state lines stuff,” Gabe said, sighing. “They told me about it last week. Kansas won’t allow them to marry, so they have to marry somewhere that allows for. And Anna’s parents and quite a few family members live there, so it would be easier for them.”  He shrugged. “Not that mom will _ever_ allow me to go anyway. Too far away, no hospital where they know who I am or my diagnosis. They’ll go, but I’ll have to stay home. Per usual.”

                “You never know if you never ask,” Sam said, smiling. “When are they getting married?”

                “Spring.”

 

Sam and Gabe were lazily sprawled out on Gabe’s bed, too damn tired to get up. It was almost their last day of freedom without parents. They had tomorrow, but around ten pm that night they would be back, or at least, that had been the plan when they left.

                After finishing cleaning downstairs, they’d gone upstairs with the intention of finishing up, but well, that hadn’t really worked out. The two of them were too damn weary to do anything productive and well, it had been a long day. They’d been stuck at the hospital for hours because there seemed to be some troubles with Sam’s scan, after which they had to stay for Gabe’s quick check up before he was even allowed his meds.

                “I’m too tired to move,” Sam sighed, “I’ll just stay right here. And sleep.” He didn’t even care how suggestive it sounded – or maybe it only did in his head – and how Gabe didn’t even mind it that much. He needed damn sleep. And not on that creaky pull-out couch, no on a proper mattress.

                “Can I tell you a secret?” Gabriel whispered after a long, easy silence. “And you promise that you won’t tell?”

                “Sure thing.”

                “I heard you,” he said softly, not that much louder than before, “and I understood your writing on my head, Sammy.” Sam froze in place. _Shit._ His mind was going in overdrive, finding out ways to tell Gabe that he was sorry, that he didn’t mean to freak him out, not in the slightest. He had so many sentences going around in his head, all attempting to apologize, to say how sorry he was and how he would be willing to say goodbye to Gabe if he feels like that’s what he wanted. This would be so damn awkward.

                “I’m.” He started to apologize, but was cut short by Gabe, putting a hand on his shoulder.

                “Nope,” he sighed, “don’t apologize.” His voice sounded too loud in the silent room. “Don’t even attempt to. You don’t have to. Here, turn around.” Sam turned on his side, Gabe’s hand still on his shoulder. Fingers tracing letters, over and over again. It took him too damn long to understand.

                _Me too._ He was sure there was a puppy like expression in his eyes, he was sure that his mouth had fallen open, but he didn’t care. All he could do was look at Gabe, and grin, grin like fool.

                “You serious?” Gabriel actually laughed at this.

                “Of course Sammich,” he said, “I thought that was clear enough by now. Damn, even _Charlie_ knows.” He grinned. “She even put a note with my invitation suggesting you as my plus one, even though you and your brother have an invitation to her wedding too without a doubt.” Gabriel’s hand snaked up from his shoulder, gliding over his neck and coming to a rest on the side of his face, cupping his jawline. “I just figured that I wouldn’t ever be enough for you. That you probably weren’t even queer.”

                Sam couldn’t help seeing the irony in that. Here Gabe was, fretting over the exact same things as he had been fretting over. “Dude. Are you serious right now?” A nervous laugh rolled over his lips. “I was freaking out internally because you were talking about your ex-boyfriend. Because that meant that you were gay or well, somewhere on the Kingsley scale. Well, you told me, Pan, but still.”

                “Of course that would be our luck.” Gabe’s hand was stroking tiny circled along his jaw. And God, that felt too damn good. “Are you enjoying this, Sammich?” There was a playful grin across his lips. “Then maybe I should.” There was a slight pause, before he was pulled closer and chapped lips pressed against his gently.

                Gabriel tasted like medication – slightly – and tea, laced with honey. Gabe tasted nice and sweet, lips chapped from cold, but soft too, soft against his own. He was nice and warm and it felt like he belonged there. Like Gabe was always supposed to be _his_.

                Sam had craved for this kind of touch, this kind of affection. Not animal like, but just because, just because Gabriel seemed to care for him. Ruby had been pure need, very little affection coming from her side. Gabe was already showing him so much more than Ruby ever did.

                Gabe put his head in the crook of Sam’s shoulder and his neck, laughing as he nuzzled the skin there. “You have no idea how long I have been wanting to that.”

                “We are idiots.”

 

Sam woke up feeling _awesome_. Gabriel was curled up against him, head resting on his chest, arms snaked around his waist. Sam had his arms carelessly thrown around Gabe as well, even though he didn’t remember anything from last night but the pure half bliss of finally having an excuse to have Gabe close, to finally hold him and be there. Not to let him go. And the bed, that was a positive aspect as well.

                He wanted to slip out of the embrace to go down and eat something, but Gabe wasn’t moving and well, he could hardly wake him up. So they just stayed put, waiting for him to shift away in his sleep. Sam ended up just falling right back to sleep, hugging Gabe just that little bit tighter to him, afraid that this all could be a dream, that he could wake up and still be in the hospital. That he could still be sick. And if that wasn’t a terrifying thought, he didn’t know what else could scare him more.

                                                              

When he woke up, Gabriel was staring up at him, an amused expression in his eyes. Sam prayed to God that he hadn’t said anything inappropriate or weird or well, patented Sam Winchester. He knew that he sometimes talked in his sleep and that usually, it was nothing but gibberish, but well, that _could_ change.

                “Good morning,” Gabriel said, amused. “You are quite the heavy sleeper. I’ve been trying to get you to wake up for a half an hour now. Even tickling didn’t work.”

                “Really?” Sam was actually surprised by that. Usually he didn’t sleep that sound at all. He didn’t quite toss and turn, but could be woken up by a damn mosquito. “I guess I needed it.”

                “You barely slept this week.” And that sounded just that little bit accusatory. “You’re too damn protective over your friends. I did notice you checking up on me every hour.”

                “I was worried,” Sam sighed, “and you sleep very lightly.” They were lousy excuses, but they were excuses none the less. “How about we get up huh? Finish cleaning up your room, get your meds and eat breakfast?”

                Gabe protested but got up anyway, mumbling something all the while about how he does too many things for Sam. He does try not to grin at that muttering, but fails, fails terribly.

                “Hey, that’s not funny!” Gabriel interjects, but all seriousness of that is lost completely when he almost trips over his own feet and crashes into Sam. “Okay. Maybe that was.” Shame colors his cheeks as he scrambles to get up.

                “You’re not going anywhere,” Sam laughs, before pulling Gabe closer and wrapping his arms around his waist. “Not until.” He presses his lips on Gabe’s, needing to lean down ever so slightly. That was one of the annoying parts of it all, of being tall. Always being taller than everybody, always towering over and now, forcing Gabriel to stand on his tip toes to do something normal like kissing. “Yeah, you can go now. Everything’s better now.”

 

They cleaned up Gabe’s room, making breakfast afterwards and finishing the last of The Walking Dead all before nightfall. Sam was supposed to go back home in a few hours and well, he really didn’t feel like it. He enjoyed the time with Gabe too much, would miss being around him all day when he went back home.

                Of course, he did miss his parents when he was away from them and well, while he was at Gabriel’s he could hardly use his medication the same was as he did when he was at home. Because, admittedly, he had been going easy with the pain medication and all the other pills lately. Gabe made sure that he took all of his pills in a way that not even his mother did _or_ Dean, and he had never thought that anybody could be worse than his nurse mother and overprotective brother.

                “I should probably go home when they get back,” Sam sighed, shifting on Gabriel’s bed. They hadn’t moved in at least an hour, the relaxing haze of almost sleep dragging them almost unconscious. They had left food out downstairs so that the Milton’s only had to warm it up. “I don’t want to bother them if they are tired.”

                “Nah Sammy, they won’t mind. Trust me. They like you too much.” There were words hovering in the air between them, but Gabriel didn’t seem to want to speak them. “I. I don’t want you to go just yet.” A blush crept up his cheeks. “I’d miss you.”

                “I’ll miss you too,” Sam sighs, “but you know, we still have Skype. We can make watching movies and series together a regular thing.” And that way he would probably see Gabe fall asleep every night.

 

The Milton’s got back around ten pm that night.  Gabe and Sam were watching television downstairs, curled up on the couch. Sam had no idea how they had ended up leaning in against each other, Gabe eventually deciding that Sam was a better pillow than the entirety of the couch, but he was damn certain that he didn’t mind at all.

                It gave him something to do during the commercial breaks that didn’t involve him falling asleep too. Gabe was fascinating when he slept, muttering under his breath, whimpering sometimes and smiling like a goofball. He had quite a few pictures on his phone of Gabriel, all taken during moments that he was distracted but none of them could live up to seeing something like this.

                Sam really should move him upstairs, but he was too comfortable and he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to bring both Gabe and the oxygen tank up. Oh well.

                He stood up to make himself a cup of coffee, carefully trying not to invoke his boyfriend's wrath by waking him up. He'd made that mistake once before and wasn't going to repeat that. Not that Gabriel was that bad when he was grumpy, Sam just didn't want to test his luck at the last night. That, and Gabe got even clingier.

                "Hey," Naomi whispered behind him, nearly giving Sam a freaking heart attack. He hadn't heard the car pull up or the crashing of doors. But then, he had been dreaming just a little. Or a lot. "We're back." There was a tired smile on her lips. "I see Gabe's already asleep."

                "Yeah," Sam whispered back, offering her his cup. She took it with a slight smile and a nod, "he's out like a light. He was up late last night. Want me to wake him up?" He didn't even know why he was offering. They could wake him up themselves. "I mean, I guess you don't want to get chewed out first thing when coming back from vacation."

                "You can do that." There was a knowing glance in her eyes, "but Sam? How was he last week? Did he get his meds okay? He wasn't too stubborn about taking them?"

                "At first. He did take all of them. Things were fine at the hospital as well. They took his blood pressure, drew some blood and gave him his refills. There were no medical dramas at all this week. Even the delivery of oxygen tanks went smooth. How was your trip?"

                "Tiring, but well," she said, "now you go wake him up. We want to say goodnight before he crawls into bed."

 

The living room was empty, and that was pretty much the only reason that Sam actually dared crouch down in front of the sofa and press his lips gently to Gabe's head. Not that it had a lot of effect, he didn't even stir.

                "Gabe?" he asked softly, very careful not to startle him too much. "Gabe? You awake?" Lucifer was standing in the doorway, looking at his brother with amusement in his eyes. Oh well, he was right to be amused.

                "No! Go away," he groaned. Sam couldn't help but laugh at this. "I'm still asleep. You're just a bad dream, an incredibly hot bad dream." Sam felt a blush creep up his face. Oh god, did Lucifer really have to be in the room with him? Better than Chuck or Naomi, but God.

                "Gabe," Sam sighed, trying again. "If you don't wake up now, I'm sending in Hester and Hael to wake you up. Your parents are back." And that was what woke Gabe up completely. Of course that was what woke him up. "Welcome back to the land of the living. Hope you didn't pay Charon."

                "Ha-ha," he sighed, before getting up under loud protest. "I hate you sometimes Sam Winchester." And that was about all the time that Gabe had to speak before he was attacked by a grinning duo eight year olds. That was Sam's clue to get his bags packed upstairs and have the family have some bounding time together. That was the last they deserved. He would only feel awkward if he stayed downstairs.

                                              

Sam stayed another hour, listening to everybody talk about how fun it had been on their trip. It was already dark out when he hauled his bags to his car and said goodbye to everybody, getting an extra hug from Naomi. By now, he had lost count of how many times they had told him that they really appreciated him keeping an eye on Gabe while they were gone. It made him feel like he was babysitting him instead of just hanging around at their house.

                "I really should get going," he sighed, looking at the clock one last time. It was almost eleven o'clock now. "Before it's too late. I have to be at the hospital again tomorrow." To be prodded again, to get _even more_ scans.

                The doctor had called him the day before with the results of the scan, which had been unclear. It had almost made Sam's heart sink to the ground, having to go through all of those tests again. Unclear was never good. They had said the same thing once before and at that second scan, they had found the tumor in his leg.

                "I'll drive you there," Gabriel said, looking at Sam with a pleading expression in his eyes that Sam wasn't sure of the others noticed. "You can stay. It's too late.”

 

Neither of them seemed to be able to sleep. Sam was tossing and turning in bed, doubting whether he should ask Gabe if they had any Tylenol or something stronger that he could take - hip pains were a _bitch_ \- but deciding not to after all. The pain was bad enough to stop him from sleeping now and if he was honest, it scared Sam. That Gabe was sprawled half across his left side didn't help that much either. Even though the pain wasn't caused at the surface, it was still sensitive to pressure.

                "Are you okay?" he heard Gabe's voice cut through his thoughts. He winced as Gabe shifted and sat up, snapping on the night light. "It's one am Sammy. What are you doing up?"

                "Just thinking," Sam sighed, sitting up too. "Just... thinking. Why are _you_ up?"

                "You were shifting too much. You've been limping," he said, "I've noticed. I just didn't want to say anything. Are you scared of what the scan will say Sam?"

                "Maybe." He didn't want to worry Gabe by saying how utterly worried that he really was. "It's not the first time though that a scan has been inconclusive."  Sam stayed silent for a little while, just thinking. "I should have told you about the scan. I just didn't want you to worry. You're not mad, are you?"

                "You should have," he agreed. "But I get why you didn't and no, I'm not mad. How could I?" Gabe scooted closer, letting Sam snake and arm around his waist. "You'll be okay Sam." He'd have to be. "Does your family know?"

                "The doctors called them about it, so they know. They'll want to come with though, Dean or my mom. Guess I'll have to call them not to come." Not that Sam would mind that. He’d take Gabe over his family any day. "I'll do that in the morning."

 

Morning came too damn soon. He'd only fallen back asleep at five am, the pain finally dulling to the back of his mind enough to sleep. He knew that part of the pain was psychological, that it was just his mind going into overdrive and stressing out about the scan. It didn't stop him from feeling it though. And it was a damn sharp pain. Hip pains officially sucked.

                There were two Tylenols and a glass of water on his nightstand, alongside a note from Gabe, telling him to take them if he needed to. And they certainly didn't stay there that long. He tried to go without them, but he was so damn tired of not being able to take anything.

                "Hey." Gabe sneaked up behind him, threading his arms around Sam's waist. He smiled at him. "We got an hour and a half before your appointment. Already called your parents and they know that I am taking you."

                "Thanks babe." He’d played around with the nickname in his head before, deciding that he liked the sound of it.                                  

 

The scans took too darn long. He just lay there as he had a CT scan for his lungs, as they drew even more blood and he eventually had his MRI a little over an hour later. While the CT scan and the contrast fluid had been uncomfortable, it was nothing compared to the MRI.

                Being in the MRI machine for a half an hour wasn't pleasant, not at all, but since the CT scan hadn't shown enough last time, this was the only option.  Gabriel wasn't allowed in the room with him while the scan was in progress, but he damn well knew that he was going to be sitting in the waiting room, pretending to read the magazines.

                By the time that he got out of the scan, he was damn exhausted from lying still all day. That, and the fact that he had hardly slept. His doctors had told him that they'd forward the results to his doctor, who would have to notify him change. God, he hoped that the results would come back good, that all of this was just stress.

                "How's your pain?" Gabriel looked worried for him, the frown almost etched into his forehead. “Decent? Do you need another Tylenol or something? I brought them just in case you’d need them.”

                "Decent." And it was the truth.  "I'll be better when I get the results back though."

                "Me too," Gabe sighed, "want me to drop you off at home?"

                "Yeah," Sam said, knowing that he probably should, "they'll be waiting for me to come back home anyway." He missed his family.

 

Mary was indeed waiting for him when he pulled the door shut. He and Gabe had said goodbye by the car, a quick kiss all that Sam wanted to dare with his family inside. He would tell them about him and Gabe, just not now. Dean probably knew anyway.

                "They'll call when they got the results," Sam said as introduction, falling down in the sofa. "The scans went okay." Mary would have asked anyway.

                "Okay," Mary said, nodding, "did they say when the doctor would call?"

                "No idea," Sam shrugged.

 

Sam was talking to Gabe through Skype when the doctor called him. They were in the middle of a conversation about the wedding and attending it - Sam had gotten the invitation as well - when his mother came in the room with the phone.

                "It's the doc," she simply said, before handing it to him and leaving. She'd already gotten the explanation, judging from the look on her face. "He wants to talk to you."

                "Hello, Sam?" the doc said, something there in his voice. "I would like you to come in with your parents today or tomorrow to talk about the results of your scan. I have them in front of me as I speak." Sam heard clicking in the background. "And we do need to talk about them.”

                "Can't you just tell me?" he asked, looking everywhere expect for his computer screen. He didn't want to look at Gabe, not now. He had been in that office before and being there when the news is announced really doesn't change anything. "I don't want to wait."

                "Okay." There was a short silence. "These scans have confirmed what we have seen on the previous scan. There appears to be a mass in your hip - which would explain the pains that you said you've been having – and some tiny spots in other places. We will need to do a biopsy to confirm the diagnosis, but considering your history, I think that we both know what this will probably be. I cannot confirm anything before the biopsy, so we'll have you come in as soon as possible. Your mother has already told me that she will bring you in tomorrow morning. The results of the biopsy will be able to tell us more, but Sam. I do hope that this turns out to be a false alarm." There was sincerity in her voice. "I'll see you tomorrow."

                Gabriel was staring at him as he lowered the phone, staring at it. The worried expression got worse as tears filled Sam's eyes but refused to fall.

                "Sam?"

                "There's a growth in my right hip," he whispered, “the scans confirmed that. They, they don’t know the plan right now. It could still be that, that, well, that this all nothing that the tumor isn’t cancerous but, considering my _history_ well. It’s pretty much decided. I’m no longer in remission Gabe.”

                The silence that falls is long and unbearable. He longs for Gabriel to be there, right there, but all he has is his face on the computer.

                “I’ll be there for you,” Gabe whispers, tears in his eyes, cheeks streaked with them. “We’ll get through this Sammy.”


	7. Chapter six

It was in a numb state that Sam delved back into the adventure that was the possibility of having a recurrence. The biopsy happened as soon as it could, Sam as numb as he could be. When the doctor called and told him the results, he was still in that same haze. He was as numb as he could be for days, staring off in the distance, not hungry, not thirsty, nothing. But of all things, the world went on. The world went on as he got another scan, one that determined that they wouldn’t be able to remove the tumor surgically, as they drew more blood and they worked out a treatment plan.

                Gabe was over more often since the news, and he didn’t mind, not at al. He was one of the only people that managed to pull him out of his numbness, even if it was only while he was there. Not that either of their parents seemed to be too big on the two of them spending that much time together.

                That was what John told him at least. While their friendship seemed to be good to him for now, he should be careful. Cancer was a bitch and could take you at any second. Both him and Mary worried that would happen to Gabe sooner than later.

                It had made Sam want to punch a hole in the wall, made him want to tell his father that it was too darn late to be concerned because he was already in a relationship with him, but he kept his mouth and just numbly nodded.

                “I can’t let him go dad,” he had just said, “We got to be there for each other now. I could be the one of us to die.” That had shut his father up. Sam hated talking like that, but it was the truth. His chances of the cancer disappearing were tiny this time. Last time, they had been able to just take it away, now? Now it was spread, now it was in a place that they couldn’t operate on.

 

Treatment started for Sam with chemotherapy. The doctors figured that because he had responded to the chemo that well the previous time, they could start with that this time around, even if it may not do that much for him. The first days after starting, he felt very little side effects to the treatment. He got tired more easily, but he wasn’t too nauseous.

                It was six chemo sessions in (in two damn weeks – Sam was about as tired of being in the hospital all the time) that he started to eat less, that food stopped being appealing and well, that the nausea kicked in like a bitch. That too was about the time that the Skype calls started being more straining on him, straining because he always had to run off halfway through conversation because his food had found a way up. It became that bad that Mary put a bucket next to his bed to make it easier for him  (and because he had almost taken a tumble down the stairs when he had taken his prosthetic off and tried hopping to the bathroom) and he had to focus on being completely out of view and the recorder blocked.

But worst of it all? He missed Gabe. Their parents had had a conversation about things, since apparently, they were keeping everybody up with their nightly conversations. It was decided that they couldn't talk until one am any more now that they were both getting sicker. What they still did sometimes was game together, or watch a television show, but Sam couldn't stay awake for it any more. Talking about putting a strain on a relationship.

                              

Sam and Gabe were curled up on the couch together, blanket pulled over them, just to keep Sam warm. Gabe was being such a sweetheart about all of it, giving up so much for Sam, it was almost too much. They had planned on going to the wedding together, planned on going even though Sam’s parents weren’t too keen on it and well, now they couldn't any more.

                "I talked to my mom," Sam sighed, burying his head in his pillow, "about Charlie's wedding? I really don't want to miss it, so I asked." Since we could go together and it would be awesome and probably the only way that we'll ever get something like that. "She doesn't want me to go. Dean is going by plane with Cas and got his ticket from him, but we can't really afford another plane ticket right now." Sam could barely hide his disappointment. “So yeah, I’m probably staying here with my parents.”

                Gabe could hardly hide his disappointment. His face sagged and God, if his lips probably wouldn’t taste like vomit right now, he’d would kiss that little pout off his face. “The wedding will be lonely without you.”

                “I wish I could come too,” he sighed. Sam had to be realistic. The chance that he would actually get to go was damn tiny. Mary wasn’t lying to him when she told him that he probably couldn’t handle air travel, when she said that he’d be even weaker around the wedding. And it wasn’t like they had that much time until too.

                “It’s better.” And the mood was officially gone.  Sam sighed as he fell down on the couch, still shivering even though he had too many blankets already. He dozed off, drifting into a calm haze of sleep. Gabriel’s steady breathing was a blessing as he drifted off, his anchor to hold on to. Sam didn’t even care that they were still lying too darn close on the couch, that their thighs brushed and the Milton’s could come back from picking Hael and Hester up from their friend’s place. All Sam cared about in that moment was that Gabriel was nice and warm and that he could sleep well for the first time in ages.

 

They woke up around one am, when the rumbling of thunder sounded in the distance and lightning flashed through the sky. Sam wouldn’t have thought it of Gabe, but he was actually afraid of the thunderstorm.

                “Don’t laugh!” Gabe complained as they hurried to his room, half sleep drunk. “You’ll wake up everybody! And it’s not funny!” That only made Sam laugh more though, as Gabe should have known. They weren’t waking up anybody anyway. The twins were probably awake anyway and their parents slept too deeply to be woken up by things like this.

                They had only just crawled into bed, Sam still laughing as Gabe hit him in the shoulder, when the door opened and Hester and Hael peeped in the door. They were clutching their teddy bears close to their chests. Being scared of thunderstorms had to be a family trait.

                Sam didn’t object as they crawled in bed with him, settling on either side of Gabriel. It was kind of adorable to see them flinch each time that the lightning flashed through the sky, even though it shouldn’t be. Hester eventually threw her arms around Sam’s torso.

                “It’s okay,” he whispered, pulling up the blankets so they covered the shivering girl completely. “Bunny isn’t afraid of the dark now, is he? He’ll keep you safe. We’ll all keep you safe.”

 

When Sam woke up, there was no moving in his immediate future. Hester was still hugging him tight and sleeping away. Gabriel was still snoring and Hael on his other side too was sleeping. Naomi was standing in the doorway, a slight smile on her lips.

                “Do you want breakfast?” she asked him. “They have to get up for school anyway.”

                “Maybe later,” he said, gently shaking Hester awake. She certainly didn’t agree with it, looking up at his with a betrayed look in her eyes. She slid off the bed, following her sister out the door. “I have to go to the hospital in a little while.”

                “Do you want me to drop you off?”

                “I’ll drive myself.” Sam didn’t like depending on others to bring him places, especially not he had relapsed. He damn well knew that soon, he would be needy again, he would need the kidding again. “Do you mind telling Gabe that I had to go to the hospital for chemo? I don’t want to wake him up.” Gabe was still asleep, even though Hael and Hester weren’t exactly quiet downstairs. But then again, Hael had been up way longer than Hester had been and was still crying when Sam had fallen asleep. “It was pretty late last night.” He didn’t want Gabe to worry about him either, which Gabe would do if he was there. Sam had allowed him with once and god, that puppy look in his eyes. It had almost made it worse.

                Worse, too because he wanted to stay strong and not be sick with Gabriel around. Before, he had been the sort of healthy one in their relationship. Seeing Gabe sit there with him, had been well, hard for him. There were alike now, both bald heads – Gabriel’s still wasn’t growing back – and both always shivering or at least cold. They had so much more to lose now.

                “Okay,” Naomi said, doubting, before going downstairs to check out what had shattered.

 

The hospital was dull without Gabriel or somebody else to distract him while he received his chemo. He would have to stay four hours and literally all he had was Collin, who was passed out in the seat next to him. He could listen to an audiobook on his MP3 player, but that didn’t last long enough, couldn’t keep him distracted long enough.

_I am mad at you for not waking me up. Good luck with chemo babe. Wanna be there next time x_

Sam smiled at his cell, before quickly replying and shutting it off. The nurses had a thing for sniffing out cells and calling you out on it. Sam had been on the receiving end of the nagging quite a few times.

                What Sam hated most about chemo was the aftermath of it. The nausea that still roared free the day after, the pains that usually got worse and the bone deep tiredness that it brought with it. The first days usually went great, he could get out of bed and do all kinds of things, but then day three, four, things started to go south. That was always the case.

 

He ended up listening to half of his music library before the IV was done running. After the beep, a nurse came over to untangle him and give him a quick check up. He was released back in the world, finally. Gabriel was waiting for him in the waiting room downstairs, a steaming cup of tea in one hand and something for him in the other hand. The smile on his lips was welcoming.

                “Hi,” Sam said, taking the cup that Gabe extended to him. It didn’t even sell all that bad, only slightly of chamomile. He really did know him too darn well. The first sip was nice and warm as it slid down his throat. “Sorry about not telling you.”

                “Yeah, I know,” Gabe said, smiling, “my mom kind of said why you didn’t wake me.” He smirked. “It’s sweet, but our cover is totally blown.”

                “Our cover was blown the second that your mother walked in the door of the room,” Sam said, smiling despite himself. “Do you mind?”

                “Nah, we should have told them weeks ago anyway.” And that was the truth, they had been hiding from his parents too long. They had been together about two months and the only ones that knew were a few of their friends and Dean. Gabriel had told Lucifer – not like he had had any other choice after he had found them tangled up in bed together one night – and that was all.

                “Talking about parents,” Sam sighed heavily, “we got this family thing in two weeks, just my parents, Dean, Adam and his wife and kid. Uncle Bobby will be there and maybe his wife Ellen and her daughter Jo. You know them, they were both at support group that one time you went.” He was almost falling over his words as he tried to get them out as fast as he could. “We can’t celebrate the holidays, nor do we really want to you know, with Jo and her surgery next week and my cancer being back. Neither of us really feels like celebrating, so we’re having a get together, but there will be food. Dean is taking Cas and they didn’t mind, even though they still think that they are just friends you know and.” He broke off mid-sentence, chewing on his bottom lip. “What I am trying to ask is if you would want to come with?”

                “As your best friend?”

                “As my boyfriend. If that is what you are okay with, I mean, if you want to be there as just a friend or maybe not.” His cheeks felt hot. “If you don’t want to, that’s completely fine.”

                “I’d love that,” Gabriel said, smiling as he steered Sam away from the waiting room and outside, out into the stairs to the parking lot. Sam felt warm lips touch his and he leaned into Gabe, a slightly smile on his lips. “I’d love that.”

                “Does that mean you’ll be there? As my boyfriend?” He would still have to ask his parents and well, with that came telling his parents that he and Gabe were a thing now. Not that they didn’t already know. He wasn’t really that shy about saying ‘I love you’ at the end of conversations, he wasn’t his brother.

                “Of course Sammich.”

 

He didn’t know how he made it home or to bed that night or the next few days really. Chemo hit him a lot sooner this time, making him back into the zombie that he always was after. Sam knew that Gabe was around every other day and god, if he appreciate anything it was that, but the days were nothing but a haze for him.

                “Sam?” Mary asked him Monday morning, one week after. He sat downstairs with a cup of coffee, trying to wake up enough to actually read the paper in front of him. “Are you planning on bringing anyone?” She looked at him with a knowing smile on her lips. “Dean is taking Cas and Adam is taking his family so it would only be fair if you bring somebody too if you want to at least.”

                “I was kinda meaning to talk to you about that,” Sam admitted, feeling his cheeks burn ever so slightly. “Can I bring Gabe?”

                “Like Dean is bringing Cas or are you bringing him like Adam is bringing his wife?” She smiled at him. “Are you officially introducing him as your boyfriend to us or are you waiting a little while?” Sam colored bright red, almost choking on his coffee as his mother looked at him with nothing but sheer amusement in her eyes. “Your brother and I have been betting on when you’d tell us about your relationship. Adam saw you two at the hospital when going for a check-up with Sarah."

                "You've got to be kidding me," he muttered, before finally looking up. "Like, boyfriend take him." he cringed at his own choice of words. God, this really couldn't be more awkward than it already was. "If that's, okay?"

                “I’ll call Bobby,” she said, smiling widely. “I’m sure he won’t mind.”

                “Thanks mom.”

                “Does he make you happy Sam?” he nodded in reply, the smile etched on his lips as well. “Then it’s okay. But Sam, if he breaks your heart, you just know what you are both getting into. You are both sick and know that things may be very bad in a couple of weeks or months.” The smile disappeared from his lips. “I’m not saying that you can’t be happy with Gabe because you obviously can, but I just want to say as your mother, that the fall may he hard. One of you might leave the other one behind. I just want you to know that.”

                “I only wish I didn’t know mom,” he muttered, eyes stinging at the sole though of a dead Gabriel. “I just wish that I didn’t know that he is getting worse every day. We’re both getting worse.”

 

The next weeks passed by in a slow and steady haze, Sam going in for chemo one more time and again feeling like he was in a drunk haze for a half a week. Gabriel too started chemo again, to see if it would help his lungs more. Even though it was hard on him, Gabriel thrived through it. He was sick the first time, and that as about it. Gabriel looked sick though; his hair had started to fall out again, he had lost his color and he couldn’t walk more than a mile or so without panting. But that was all okay, because they were in it together.

                As cheesy and hopelessly romantic it may be, Sam liked that they went through it sort of together. Even if it made the both of them grumpy at times. Even if Gabe had been there when Sam had woken up one morning to find hair on his pillow and had started crying his heart out. The hair loss meant that the cancer was back and chemo was doing its’ work. It was all just too real for him at times. Too fucking real.

 

The party crept up on the both of them. Sam was woken up by his alarm that morning at an hour that should be damn near illegal. He really had to figure out how Dean had changed his alarm to Back in Black.

                Sam strolled to Dean’s room grumpily, banging on the door three times before yelling that Dean was a complete ass. He could swear that he heard Castiel chuckle.

                Gabriel would be at the Winchester house in an hour or so and he was nowhere near ready. _Calm down Sam, it’s just Gabe_. One quick shower and three changes of clothes later, he settled for the usual plaid button up, a beanie and a nice pair of jeans instead of the persistent sweatpants. At least he didn’t have to worry about his hair being a mess, since there wasn’t any and he really should be more concerned about that.

                “Look at you, all fancy,” Dean laughed. “Got somebody to impress?”

                “Dean,” Castiel chastised, a little too amused for Sam’s liking, “he’s nervous enough already.” And they really are the most devilish couple that Sam has ever encountered. Dean laughs as his cheeks go scarlet. Castiel smiles at him apologetically, pressing a quick kiss to Dean’s temple before standing up to grab himself some more coffee.

               

Gabriel arrived a half an hour later, cheeks red from the cold and about as nervous as Sam felt. His fingers were threading in his scarf, braiding the ends end untying them over and over again. God, Gabe was adorable when he was nervous – not that Sam would actually say that out loud.

                “Hi,” Sam said, pulling him in for a kiss, smiling against his lips. “Come on in, when dad’s ready we’ll head out. He’ll be out in a sec.”

                “You’re sure that everybody is okay with this, right?” Gabriel asked, a little doubtful. “I really don’t want to impose myself.”

                “Nah,” Sam said, smiling, “Dean is bringing his friend too, so don’t worry about that. Anyway, mom asked if I wanted to bring you anyway. They’re all cool with it. And by the way, you know Jo and Ellen from Support group. It’ll be fun.” Sam really does try to make it sound like he isn’t convincing himself, but fails, fails miserably.

               

The mood in the car had been quite happy, music playing, cheerful banter going back and forth from the back of the car to the front. Dean had taken Cas in the impala since all six of them didn’t fit in the family car, though Sam was sure that he and Cas were just putting off  having to hide the fact that there were together.  And it wasn’t like Sam minded it all that much, his brother had always been a little bit more secretive.

                Gabriel looked good for the first time in forever. He had a bit more color in his face, he was smiling his convincing smile; not the one that he thought worked on everybody. He genuinely seemed to be happy. There was nothing more that Sam could ask for as a present but seeing Gabriel happy.

                “You’re staring Sam,” Gabe said, a blush on his cheeks. Sam would say that maybe, that’s because Gabriel looks gorgeous, with his dark button up and jeans, with his beanie. Even the scarf that is tied around his neck three times and the chapped lips. But that would be incredibly awkward with his parents there, so instead, he just smiled. He knew that Gabriel got him whether he spoke or not. “Still staring.”

 

Bobby and Ellen lived in a pretty decently sized house in a calm neighborhood. The only thing they missed was the white picked face and 1.5 kids – since they did have Jo after all.  Their car was the last one to arrive, the Impala already parked on the driveway and Cas and Dean inside. Jo and Ellen stepped outside as they arrived, smiling.

                “Hey kiddo.” Ellen caught him in his hug, “we haven’t been seeing much of you. How you doing?” She looked away from Sam and to Gabe, who stood there quite uncertain.

                “Good,” he smiled, “sorry about support group.”

                “That’s okay,” Jo said, behind him, “mom’s just teasing you, don’t worry.” Even though she was smiling, he could see that it wasn’t with her whole heart. And he could get that, damn he had been scared as hell before his surgery and that hadn’t even been a surgery like hers. He didn’t go blind after it, Jo would. “Don’t you dare look at me like that Sam Winchester, your brother and his “friend” already gave me that treatment. About Cas, are they?” Jo looked at him expectantly. “You know, you’re not going to tell me that they are just best friends, are you?”

                Sam just gave her a knowing look, telling probably enough. “Just friends.” Not that it was probably going to take long for everyone to catch up on the two of them. Maybe in the first few weeks of their relationship, people had been able to not notice it when they pretended not to be together, but God, they were obvious now. Maybe even just a little too obvious.

 

Adam and his family were already inside when they entered the house. Damn, it had been too long since he had seen his brother, Sarah and Nick. The baby was well, no longer a baby. He was up and waggling around, the brightest of smiles on his little face as he found something to play with in the house.

                “Sam,” Adam said, a smile on his lips, “how are you?”

                “Good,” Sam said smiling. Gabriel was standing next to him a little awkwardly, not sure where to look or how to behave it seemed. “Gabe, this is Adam, my brother. Adam, this is Gabriel, my boyfriend.” And God, those words sounded good. Adam seemed to be curious as he took Gabriel's hand and shook it.

                “I see, you're on the grill tonight.” A laugh erupted from his lips. “You treat my brother right and I'll go easy on you. You don't, we have got a problem, okay?”

                “He's got a problem with all of us if he doesn't treat Sammy right,” Dean added, “but he will. I trust Cas's good judgement on this one.”

 

Dinner went well, counting in the fact that it was just that little bit awkward for everybody. At least they didn’t ask Gabriel too much embarrassing questions, which was a start. He remembered Dean bringing Lisa, one of his former girlfriends once. That had been well, worse, way worse.

                With Gabe, they stayed civil, asking him a few questions about his health, about how they had met, if he was in school, things like that. It actually made him quite proud that Gabe was accepted into his tiny family as easily as he was and how easily Gabe joined the conversations. He even helped him soothe Jo when she opened up about her panic to them. If that didn't make him love Gabe even more, he didn't know what would.

                It was then and there that he realized just how much he loved him, how deep his love really was, and also how much it would hurt when they had to say goodbye. He didn’t know if it was him who would die or if it would be Gabe, but knew that it would hurt either way.

 

Gabriel stayed the night at the Winchester’s place.  It was two am by the time they fell in bed exhausted, not even bothering to put on something more comfortable than jeans.

                “I love you,” Sam whispered, half sleep drunk. Gabriel was tucked into his side, head resting on his biceps. “Gabriel Novak, I love you.”


	8. Chapter seven

As days and weeks passed, things didn't get better. They didn’t get that much worse either and that was just that tiny bit an accomplishment. Sam was doing everything to try to get his parents to agree with him and Gabe taking a road trip, but nothing was working.

                They had come up with the plan a little while ago, playing video games on Gabriel's couch. Gabriel's parents had told him that he had to stay home because he would have to drive alone otherwise and Sam was technically not allowed to go because they couldn't afford another plane ticket. So the two of them though, why not make it a road trip.

                The plan lasted about seven seconds before both Mary and John and Naomi and Chuck had shot down their idea. It wasn’t responsible enough, they were too young, and it was too dangerous. Sam got why they thought that, really, he did, but weren’t he and Gabe old enough now? Hell, if anything, now was the time to get experience and do something, now they still could. Now they were still strong enough to actually do stuff without being in the hospital as a result of it.

                And Gabriel told his parents as much, three weeks before the wedding. He didn't like yelling, or getting angry for that matter, but he was just so damn tired of it. He was no baby. Hell, he knew how sick he really was.

                “I'm going,” he announced one morning over breakfast, “and I don't care what you say.” The silence was tense. Maybe a little too tense to be good at six am, but who even cared.

                “What?”

                “I know I'm dying mom.” It was hard for him to say the words out loud, it made it all too damn real. But it was real. Always had been. If he didn't accept that fact now, he'd never accept it. “Sammy and I, we got practically no memories of things we did together. Either I go along with him when he gets his chemo or he goes with me. And I.” He fell silent, looking at his plate. “I don't want that.” Even Hester and Hael had picked up on the mood of the room. Even though they had been chatting happily over their bowls of cereal, they were completely silent now.

                “I want to have memories of Sam. And I want to be able to have at least one dance with him.” He had to bite his lip. Bite his lip and swallow back the tears, but they kept from falling down his face. “If that is all that I can have, that's okay. But I want to have shot at this, okay? Next week of next month, one of us could be dead and we'll have had nothing good.” He fell silent, words dying on his tongue. “I promise I'll be good. I promise. Just, let me do this.”

                “Okay.”

                “Okay?”

                “Yes. You go.” His mother sighed. “You have a point. But, only if the both of you are healthy enough. Understood?” He could damn well hug his mother, which he did.

                “Thanks mom,” he said, not even bothering to hide his smile.

                “As long as you are happy, I am happy,” she said, shrugging. Suddenly, there were two pairs of arms around his waist. When he looked down, he saw Hester and Hael clinging to him.

                “Don't be sad Gabe.”

 

Getting Mary and John to comply with their plan hadn’t been easy. After a phone call from Chuck, John had said okay, _finally_. Now the only people that had to be persuaded were the doctors. They complied pretty quickly. That had surprised the both of them quite a lot, because well, doctors were supposed to be the ones to ruin the plans. One week before they were leaving, they had their final assessment.

                “Traditionally,” their doctors had said after their meeting, “we wouldn’t advice this.” Doctor Collins looked at Gabe’s primary doctor, Cheney for confirmation. “Considering the situation, we think it will be okay.”

                “Sam, we’ve seen you in with Gabriel more often than we’ve seen his parents lately,” Cheney added with a smile. “You seem to know his triggers pretty well.” She looked at Gabriel with a pointed look. “And I’d dare say that you may have prevented him from being admitted once or twice by bringing him in to be checked out early. I don’t know the situation with you Sam, but Gabriel you seem to be very stable lately. No growth in the last three scans and while that can change, I cannot tell you to stay home on these terms.”

                “Your scans aren’t stable Sam,” Doctor Collins said, apologetically, “but since your pain levels have been under control and it seems like the chemo isn’t working its’ charm anyway.” Sam felt Gabriel’s fingers weave through his reassuringly. The light squeeze was all he needed now. “I think that, if you continue to take your medication like this, you should be good. Gabriel knows to bring you to a hospital. We will give you a list of things to look out for, but we are both pretty certain things will be okay.”

 

They spend the whole week packing. They got an extra delivery of oxygen tanks so they’d be safe on the road, their prescriptions were refilled and their mothers were stressing. In that week, walking got harder and harder for Sam.

                He didn’t want to say anything, really didn’t, but Gabriel noticed. He always did. He noticed too quickly when something was up. One downside, Gabe took his meds away. Every time that he complained, Gabriel decided that he’d had enough. It made Sam furious, but Mary and John love him more.

                “I’m going to tell you this _one_ time,” Sam complained one night, “and that is it.” He had tried to get up to take another pain killer, but each time, Gabriel had pulled him back to bed. “I _need_ them.”

                “No, you don’t Sam,” Gabe said, the stubborn bastard. “You already had two. Come here.” He shifted, so Sam could snuggle closer.

“I love you, you know,” Gabe sighed, drawing circles on his shoulder, “and I am only doing this because I know how bad things can get when you don’t have chemo. I have seen people.” He cut his sentence short. “As long are you’re not as dependent from the drugs, you can get away with living a good life, a happy life, but if you do this, Sam, you are getting addicted to the pain meds.”

                “I’m not.”

                “Maybe not yet, but one day? You will _need_ them to be able to even stay awake from the pain. You’ll be thankful when that day comes. Because you’ll be needing so much more drugs if you do that.”

 

Sam eventually fell asleep again, luckily. Gabriel didn’t though, the worry too clear in his mind. Sam was getting so much worse. For the first time, he started doubting if this was such a good idea. If he was already getting worse now, what would they do if something happened along the road when their usual hospital was too far away to drive to? It was only a twelve hour drive, but still. What if something happened? They could hardly go back to a familiar hospital, could they?

                Three more weeks was all Gabriel asked for, three more weeks before one of them got really sick and they had to worry. All he wanted was three blissful weeks of enjoying Sam’s company, of being there.

                “You’re all I have Sam,” Gabriel whispered, drawing circles across his shoulder once more, “please don’t die, I need you.”

 

The week passed in the blink of an eye. Sam used the wheelchair more than before, but still not frequent enough for either of them to worry about it. Gabriel needed more oxygen than before, but the amount was still under control and well, the number wasn’t even that high really.

                The ones who worried the most, were their parents. They worried like crazy, not even bothering to hide that fact. A few hours before they would leave, Naomi checked with both of them, seeing if both were okay and still set on going.

                “Okay,” she sighed, before printing ten pages of numbers, emergency procedures and putting them in a file, giving them their basic medical information, the pages that the doctor had given them, all in a neat folder. “Here is every emergency number and everything that you might need. Do not lose it okay, whatever you do. It has our number, Sam, your parent’s numbers, Dean’s, Lucifer’s, everybody that can come pick you up really. Make it your sanctuary. There’s a separate tab for each of you to write down your medication intake, your temperatures, and weight, all of it. If you don’t write it down I swear to god that you’ll go meet your maker earlier than expected, okay?”

                “Yes mom,” Gabriel sighed, almost as if he was embarrassed of what his mother was saying, “Can we go now? Please?”

                “No, Gabriel Milton, not that fast.” She stopped him from leaving. “You guys can take the minivan. It’s a little big for you, but we’ve already set up all the medical equipment you’ll need in the back. All your meds are there in a little box as well. Just to be safe, the oxygen concentrator is there as well, but only use that when you pull in for the night.”

                “I’ll look out for him, misses Milton,” Sam said, a smile on his lips, “don’t worry about that. He’ll be safe.”

                “Oh, I don’t doubt that you two will look out for each other,” she said with a smile, “you love each other too much not to. Just make sure to pull over if anything happens and get a hotel if you are tired. We don’t want you to crash before you arrive there.”

                “Yes mom, we will,” Gabriel said, just a little bit exasperated. “You know that we will.”

 

They took off at ten am that morning. Neither Gabriel nor Sam had really slept the night before, but they weren’t too tired and listening to Fall Out Boy in the car actually helped keeping him awake. Sam started out behind the wheel, claiming that he better drive at first, before the roads got too hard to navigate.

                Sam was getting better behind the wheel, but he still couldn’t keep the car under control when the roads got icy. He just didn’t have the experience. Gabe on the other hand had. The same Gabe looking at him with a smirk from the passenger seat.

                “What?”

                “You’re adorable when you worry,” Gabriel said, “what are you thinking so hard about?”

                “About snow actually,” he muttered, just slightly embarrassed by admitting it. “I don’t really want to be driving if we’re getting snow.” The sky outside was turning that fluffy white color. “Or do we have an archangel protecting us?” He looked at Gabe with a smile on his face. “Are you my archangel?”

                “Sam Winchester!” Gabe was laughing again now, the smile wide. “You sneaky bastard.”

                “I got myself a good master.” The mood in the car completely shifted. Even though it had been just that little bit tense, it was playful now. If this would be the same the entire trip, things would be good, relaxed.

                They always had too many worries: checking blood pressure, making sure that they took their meds, not dying. It put a strain on their relationship that was something Sam knew for a fact. Normal couples didn’t go to the hospital every few weeks, normal couples weren’t scared when either of them had a cough. Sam was.

                One of them would probably be cut out of their equation, nobody knew when or who. Neither of them were in a good place, neither was getting better. Only worse and worse and well, worse.

                “So, quick stop around five to grab some food and then go on or when do you want to stop?”

                “I don’t want to keep driving too long,” Gabe admitted. “I mean, neither of us, can really stay awake that long. Or at least, I think.”

                “Dinner at five and then we drive around in look for a motel?”

                “Sure,” Gabe sighed, before turning his head to watch the clouds outside. “I’m dine with most things Sammy, you know that.”

 

They arrived at the hotel one day before the wedding was supposed to take place. Because of their stops on the road, they were just a little later than most guests, but well. Gabe was glad that they were there and had gotten there safely. The last few miles had been just a little stressy, with Sam complaining about more pain.

                Sam had crawled into bed the second that they had arrived at the hotel. Gabe wanted to say something about it, he really did, but how could he? It were the drugs that were making him tired. He'd probably feel better in the morning. Gabe joined him in bed around eleven am, but couldn't sleep. Hell, he didn't do anything but worry all night. He eventually fell asleep around one am, from cheer exhaustion.    

                Sam almost fell down after getting out of bed, his leg almost feeling like it would rip itself off if he took one more step. The world was spinning around him, the walls not staying were they should be. The pain in his hip was more than just nagging now, even though it had been decent all day. It was almost like a fire was spreading from his hip to his knee.

                “Sam?” Gabe sounded sleepy. “Why are you up? It's three am.”

                “I was just going to grab an aspirin,” he sighed. Lying wouldn't help him anyway. Lately, Gabriel always seemed to be on to him when he was in pain or whatever. He just couldn't lie, not anymore. “My hip hurts.”

                “You only took one two hours ago,” he chastised, “you're not supposed to be taking one this soon.” Sam really tried not to snap at Gabe, he hated it when he did that. He really tried not to, his patience was wearing too thin, all his kindness gone for the day.

                “I know, that doesn't mean that I won't. I just want to sleep for five freaking seconds.” The bottle of pills rattled. It was emptying out too damn soon, too damn soon. These bottles usually managed to last him at least a month, but after three weeks, this one was already done. He drowned the two pills quickly, praying that they worked sooner rather than later.

                Gabriel's hand slipped around his wrist and pulled him closer, back on the mattress. Sam groaned as his hip hit it, hard. “I promised your mom I wouldn't let you be like this Sammy. I promised I wouldn't let you sulk and use those things too much.” He pointed at the meds on the night stand. “Now I feel bad for promising them.

                “I know,” he curled up on his not painful side, “and I'm sorry, but I am just so tired of it. Of being in pain all the time and having to rely on people to wheel me around. I used to be able to get around without the prosthetic or the wheelchair.” Gabe tugged on Sam's fingers until they loosened enough for him to thread his through.

                “It'll pass,” Gabe whispered in the too silent room, “it always does.” Gabe bowed down, pressing a gentle kiss to his hip. “I'm sorry.”

 

The silence that hung in the room after that was relaxed. Sam fell asleep at a certain point during the night, Gabe already curled up against him fast asleep. They woke up just in time to get dressed for the ceremony and that was if they rushed, which wasn't what usually ended that well. This time though, they even arrived a few minutes early.

                Gabe wheeled Sam to his spot, taking the chair next to him. Charlie was already in the front of the church, looking about as nervous as she probably could. Well, she was getting married after all. She looked gorgeous in her white dress.

                He knew that Anna wouldn’t have gone through with marrying in white if Charlie hadn’t insisted on it and well, Gabe was glad that she had insisted. They both looked gorgeous, _happy_. Anna walked in with her father next to her, wearing a shorter soft grey dress with lace attached to it.

                “They’re gorgeous,” Sam mumbled next to him. “They look happy.”

                “They are happy.” Gabriel took Sam’s hand in his almost out of instinct, giving it a slight squeeze. “They are happy.”

 

The ceremony was long, but beautiful. They had written their own vows, their songs fitted the two of them and well, they both looked like they were right where they were supposed to be, together and happy. Gabe couldn’t help thinking that they should have had a chance at doing this too, at being that happy couple at the altar.

                They would never have that chance. They would never get to stand at the altar and say _I do_. Even though Sam would love it. Gabe knew that out of instinct, could see the way that Sam’s eyes would sparkle, the goofy smile on his lips.

                “I love you,” Gabe told Sam as he wheeled him outside.

                “I love you too.”

                “Sammy, later, if you want to go home, you just say so, okay? We can go back to the hotel at any time that you want to.”

                “I’m not fragile Gabe. I want to have fun.” Sam looked up at him, which on its own was very disconcerting. He was so used to having Sam look down on him, now that _he_ was the one looking down on somebody else, it was just _wrong._

“I know. I’m not saying that Sammy. Just saying, if you want to go, we can go. You just yell, okay?”

                “Okay.”

 

The drive to the party venue was short, Sam shifting in his seat uncomfortably, as if he was in more pain that he wanted to admit. Gabriel ignored him. If Sam was hurting, he wouldn’t want Gabe asking him about it, he was too much like dean to admit that he was hurting. It was a Winchester family trait it seemed. That at least according to Mary.

                Gabriel had called Mary every other night, giving her a heads up of how Sam was going. She too seemed to realize that their time was getting short, that maybe, things were going faster than before. Every time they spoke, she sounded more worried.

                “I want to dance,” Sam said after a little while of the two of them sitting with the others that had gotten tired of being on their feet. Castiel and Dean had stopped by them for a little while, but eventually went back to dancing, Dean proclaiming that he _wasn’t_ going to dance. They were adorable together, Gabe decided.

                “Okay.” Gabe helped him up, taking him in his arms as he swayed on his feet. Sam would be steady on his feet in a second, he always had to find his footing again after sitting for so long. “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

                “If we don’t dance now, we won’t ever.” The words were harsh, but the truth. Sam wasn’t really going to get any stronger. “And I want to have the memory of dancing with you, Gabriel Milton. There have to be happy things in this all.” He smiled gently, before pressing close to Gabe, pressing a kiss to his lips. “I know I’m being dramatic, but it is the truth.”

                “I know.” He wished that he didn’t as he led Sam to the dance floor, pretending not to notice the worried smile that Dean shot them when he saw how bad his brother’s limp was getting. “You’re talking to the one who used that as a reason to go in the first place. If you’re done, you’re done and you _tell_ me, okay?” Gabriel pressed as he leaned into Sam, loving the way his boyfriend wrapped his arms around him and pressed his lips to the top of his head. “You know, I love you. So damn much.”

                “I know.” It was all Sam said as they danced, both of them all caught up in the music. Gabriel barely noticed the flash of a camera, or the way the people were behaving around them, how the others danced. He barely noticed.

                “I can hear your music from a million miles away,” Sam whispered in his ear. “I will build you a mountain. So you can see, all the way across the universe to me. I will build you shelter for when the days are cold. I will be your shelter for when we’re old and kind.” And if that didn’t make the evening for Gabe.

                “I knew there was a reason that I love you. You read too many books.” He didn’t even realize that he was grinning, until Sam pressed a kiss to his lips. “Too many books, my smart, book loving boyfriend.”

                “I love you too you know and music this time,” Sam laughed, “Julia Stone.”

 

Gabriel didn’t notice how tired Sam was and in how much pain, until he noticed the shaking of his hands. They had danced twice now and even though it had been eight minutes tops, it had worn Sam out.

                “Let’s bring you to your wheelchair big boy,” he murmured before steering him back to his wheelchair. “Not too much standing for one day.”

                “I feel like an old man,” Sam grumbled as he took a sip of his coke. “I can’t even drink because of those freaking meds.”

                “I know. I know. Don’t be a grumpy old man though;” Gabriel teased. “Old I can handle. Hell, I feel like an old man half of the time, but grumpy? I don’t do grumpy my man.”

                “We’ll try.” Sam actually grinned at him. “You don’t dance too badly for an old man though.”

                “You too, grumpy.”


	9. Chapter eight

_ 'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room _

_ Just nervous pacers bracing for bad news _

_ And then the nurse comes round and everyone will lift their heads _

_ But I'm thinking of what Sarah said _

_ that "Love is watching someone die" _

** What Sarah Said – Death Cab For Cutie **

 

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t even know how time passed anymore. Sam and Gabriel spend as much time as they could together, savoring the moments that they could still have together before the final curtain fell. They no longer could deny the truth, it was right in front of him. Both of them were getting sicker and sicker. They didn’t know who it would be that lost his fight first, if it would be Gabriel or Sam.

                The last two weeks, Sam hadn’t been able to get out of bed. It just hurt too much. He could hardly stand on his prosthetic, so it was left discarded on his bed most of the time. Sam remembered this agony from before, remembered every moment of it when going through his previous chemo sessions and when he had lost half of his leg.

                This was different, worse in a way and better in another. This time, he knew that he would die at some point. The curtain would fall, he would be gone and so would the pain. He looked forward to the end, looked forward to being away from the pain.

                What he didn’t know was when. Part of him wanted him to die before Gabriel did. Before he would learn what it felt like to have every fiber ripped out of your heart. Another part of him wanted it to be after Gabe died, so that Gabe wouldn’t have to face the pain that belonged to losing someone you love.

 

Gabriel received the bad news three days after Charlie’s wedding. The car ride home had been dangerous to a certain degree, Sam falling asleep halfway though and almost crashing the car. Gabe drove them home, resulting in Sam sleeping for fourteen hours without waking up. When he checked his temperature though, it was good, his pulse was good, and everything seemed to be good, health wise. About as good as could be expected. Sam was just asleep. As if the wedding had tired him out that much.

                Dean had to pull Sam out of the minivan when they eventually arrived at the Winchester house. He was worried, clearly worried, but didn’t accuse Gabe of not taking care of him, not even for a second. Gabriel felt bad about not having the strength to pull him out himself, but Dean assured him it was fine. It didn’t help him from cringing as Sam settled himself against his brother.

                “What happened?” was all he asked, bringing him a cup of hot chocolate.

                “I don’t know. I think the wedding wore him out. Halfway here, he just collapsed. He was driving the car and then suddenly we were steering off to the side rail on the highway. I could barely wake him up to stop the car.” He couldn’t keep the quiver out of his voice. “Sam apologized, we switched seats. He was up for another half an hour to an hour and then he fell asleep. I though he was just tired, but he can barely stay awake. I tried to get him up so he could at least sit down in his wheelchair, but I couldn’t get him to wake up.”

                “We’ll see,” Dean sighed, finishing his glass. “I give him an hour and if he’s not awake by then, I’m taking him to the hospital to get checked out.”

                “Dean? Is there something that he isn’t telling me? Have the doctors said anything?”

                “No, not that I am aware of. I think he’s just tired right now. His doctor isn’t going to be pleased when he sees him though.” Dean sighed. “It’s good that you didn’t panic Gabe.”

                “Can I go sit with him?”

                “Sure, go ahead. I’ll tell mom that you were both exhausted when you arrived.” There was a weary smile on Dean’s lips as he watched Gabe go up the stairs to the second floor. “Gabe?” He turned around, waiting on the following sentence. “I’m sorry your cards weren’t better man. You make him happy. Just don’t tell Sammy that I said that.”

                “Me too.”

 

Sam slept calmly that night, heart beating steadily. It was all that kept Gabriel from going mad, from not worrying that much. Everything would be so much better if he would just wake up for more than a few minutes. It would be the reassurance that he needed.

                Sam didn’t. And that was a big problem. They called Mary an hour in, who had told them to give it another half an hour. If he hadn’t woken up by then, they had to call and bring him in. She would make sure that the ER was informed of their arrival.

                They should have called an ambulance, but that wouldn’t be covered by the insurance and if they could bring him in without it well, it was better. Dean tried not to get a speeding ticket as Gabe held Sam’s head in his lap, absently threading his hands through his hair.

                “Just wake up,” he muttered. “Please Sammy. Wake up.”

 

But he didn’t. Not until he was in the ER and hooked up to too many monitors. Gabe couldn’t be in the room with him as long as he was in there. Only Dean was allowed in and that only for short periods of time. He was great though, giving him updates every once in a while, when there was something to update on. It settled his nerves a little bit, but the thoughts were still raging around in his head.

                When he got the news that Sam was up, some of those worries faded away. He eventually got his own room after six hours of being in the hospital. Mary smiled sadly at him as she led him through the halls. Gabe had never been happier to see Sam up. He could even muster up a little smile for him.

                “Hey baby,” he muttered, after checking that they were alone in the room. Not that he didn't want to use the names when Mary or John were around, but it was still a little bit awkward. “Are you feeling a little bit better?”

                “Yeah.” Sam still sounded weak, but better as he had before. “Thanks.”

                “Hey, that’s what boyfriends are for, no?”

                “I could have crashed us,” he muttered, trying his hardest not to look at Gabe. “I could have killed us both. I’m sorry Gabe.”

                “But you didn’t, Sammy. You worried me you know, just doing that. Don’t apologize, I just thought that you should know that we all care. A lot, okay? So don’t you do that to me.” He took Sam’s hand in his, pressing a kiss to the knuckles. “Is that a deal?”

                “Deal.” He barely managed to lift his head from the pillow. In that moment, Gabriel knew that there may be a damn good chance that this mean that Sammy was getting weaker and weaker and weaker. “I. I love you.”

                “I love you too, damn, I love you so much. So don't you dare do that to me again, okay?” he muttered. He was repeating himself, he knew it. But Sam didn’t care and neither did he. There was no answer to his question. His boyfriend drifted back into oblivion and damn, never had he been any more scared of seeing a person sleep. Gabriel knew that every answer that he _could_ give him would be lying. Sam could promise now, but end up telling lies weeks later.

                Gabriel knew that he didn’t want to have to lie about this. It meant that their odds were worse than he thought and hell, they were. Their odds had never been and they were already low from the start. Sam could promise that it wouldn’t happen again, but Gabe knew that it would happen again anyway. No matter if it was because of exhaustion or whatever it was. He would end up in the hospital again.

 

Gabriel sat next to Sam his hand clasped in his until Mary and John came back in. He understood that his parents wanted to be with Sam, so he left. Not for long and he wouldn’t stay that far away, he’d probably stay in the hospital.

                What he did do was call his parents. He had forgotten to call them the night before and they would probably be worried about him. It just hadn’t crossed his mind to let them know. He’d had to turn off his phone in the ER and well, it had completely slipped his mind to turn it back on later.

                “Hi mom,” he said, “we’re back home. Sorry I didn’t call. We’re at the hospital now. Sam, he wouldn’t wake up last night so Dean and I brought him in.”

                “Is he okay?”

                “I don’t know.” He ignored how thick his voice sounded, how he knew that he’d probably be crying soon enough. “He was so tired mom. They’re monitoring him now and he did wake up for a little while before, but he’s sleeping again. His heartbeat and oxygen are steady, but. I just don’t know mom.” There was a short silence. “He’s not getting better.”

                “We knew,” she said, sounding somber, apologetic almost. “Mary called us before you guys left for the trip. The pills that he is taking are only stretching his life. Maybe he should tell you this, but you should know. There’s more to it. You should ask him, or Dean.”

 

He said goodbye to Sam an hour later before going back home with a heavy heart. He had suspected the news, it had come so soon. It was a lot to handle. He had wanted that Sammy had told him before, he had known, he didn’t have to hide those kind of things from him.

                That night, he didn’t sleep. His head was too clouded, he was too worried about Sam. It sucked, but at the same time, he understood. Sam couldn’t help being sick, the only choices that he could make where the treatment options. If Sam could deal with all of this, then Gabriel could too.

 

Gabriel barely slept that night, sick with worry. He just wished that he could do _something_ to help Sam, but he couldn’t. All he did was watch the figures tick by, hour after hour. He was _this_ close to calling Dean a few times, but refrained. At least until nine am, when his mother just told him to call already. Dean would be up regardless.

                “Sorry,” Dean said when he eventually picked up after he called three times without answer. “Sorry, I was in Sam’s room. What is it?”

                “How was his night?”

                “Stable. His oxygen dipped quite a few times, so they put him on a higher dose of oxygen than he was on before. His heart rate was good all night. He hasn’t eaten yet, but he’s awake now. He says he’s nauseous.”

                “Is he up for visitors?”

                “Not really,” Dean said honestly, “but if you want to come, _come_. He’s been asking for you for hours now. It drives dad crazy.” He chuckled. “But no, he is doing decent again. The doctors don’t know what exhausted him as much, but since he doesn’t have a fever and his counts are pretty decent, they can’t tell us what is making him this exhausted. Getting fluids into him seemed to have helped too.” It was silent for a little while. “Are you coming by today? Mom can catch you up on his situation if you do. She’ll be there all day.”

                “I’ll be there after breakfast,” he promised, “will you tell him that?”

                “Okay. I’ll see you later Gabe.”

 

His mother drove him to the hospital, Gabriel too caught up in his own mind to pay attention to the road. He was exhausted from the night before, from being on the road all the time. But his exhaustion didn’t matter, only Sam did right now.

                “Gabriel,” Naomi said as she turned on the exit to the hospital, “I, I don’t want to make you feel worse, but, please think about the fact that Sam.”

                “Mom, if you say that Sam might die, I swear to god,” he growled, hands balled into fists. “He won’t die.” _He couldn’t die._

                “He might, and you need to accept that.” The thing was, she was right, he might die and he indeed had to accept that, but he didn’t want to. “He might not make it as long as you think. It could be two weeks, it could be months, just, get ready.”

                “I could be dead in two weeks too,” he bit back. “You don’t know that, you can’t tell him that. Dean said that he was doing better today.” His mother was silent as she parked the car.

                “I don’t mean it in a bad way when I say this Gabe,” she said, apologetic, “it’s just that you have to think about the possibility. I know it hurts, but it’ll only hurt more if you don’t expect it.”

                “I’m not saying goodbye, I just can’t mom.” Now there were tears in his eyes, _great._ “It’s too soon.”

                “I know baby, I know.”

 

Sam welcomed him with a wry smile, before patting on the bed, telling him to sit down. Gabriel smiled as he did do, taking Sam’s hand in his, careful with the IV. He didn’t want to unplug things and make the nurses put a new IV. He knew how much of a pain it was.

                “Hey baby,” he whispered, “it’s good to see you again.”

                “Yeah.” Gabe tried to smile, but knew that it wasn’t any more than a grimace. “Good to see you too buddy. You look better than you did yesterday.”

                “I am better, I think.”

                “You should have told me, told me that you are getting worse Sammy.” It stayed silent for a little while. “If you would have told me, I would have known. I could have taken you home earlier and.”

                “It wouldn’t have helped, but I should have, sorry.” He groaned as he turned around in his bed. “Two days before we left, the doctor called to say that my counts weren’t coming in good. I had a scan done a week ago or something, it wasn’t that long ago. They saw that the cancer had started spreading more and more. Not only is my hip covered in specs, it’s not just that anymore. My other hip, my ribs, lungs. It’s coming back everywhere. There is nothing that they can do, because the cancer is resistant to treatment it seems. So now it’s just waiting.”

                “Why didn’t you tell me?”

                “Because I knew you’d be like this.” He squeezed Gabriel’s hand. “I knew you’d be worried. I don’t want you to worry.” He bit his lip. “I talked to my doctor again today. They want to keep me in today, but I can probably go home tomorrow or the day after that.” He bit his lip. “They told mom to go ahead and get one of these monitors, so they can keep my heart rate and oxygen levels in check.”

                “Are they?” He didn’t even dare say the words. Even thinking them hurt and he just _knew_ saying them out loud would be even worse.

                “Placing me on palliative care? They won’t say it, but they are.” He shrugged grimly. “They are going to stop the treatment. They’ll give me stuff for the pain if it gets too bad, but otherwise, I’m left on my own devices.” He shrugged. “I did not mean to quote Bastille.”

                “Not funny.” Gabriel pressed a kiss to Sam’s hand. “Please don’t make this funny.” He fell silent, not sure what to say, what to do. “I don’t want you to die.”

                “I don’t want to die either,” Sam mumbled, before pulling Gabe closer, pressing his lips to Gabe’s gently. “I’m going to miss you when I’m gone you know.” It was nothing but a whisper, but it hurt, as if someone stuck a knife through his heart. “Please, don’t, you know, stay in the past. Move on. Maybe, you and Matthew can have a shot at things again.”

                “Don’t you dare say that,” he growled. He bit his lips, trying to stop from crying. He was exhausted and it was finally getting to him. “Don’t you dare tell me that I need to move on with my life. I _love_ you.” At least he seemed calmer than he was internally.

                “I know.” Sam sighed, as if had expected it. “Just promise me, okay? Promise me that you’ll try.”

                “I promise.” His voice broke as the tears stung in his eyes. He’d stay strong, had to. “I promise. I’ll try my hardest.” Sam pulled him closer, throwing his arms around Gabe’s body. “Promise me you won’t give up, and I’ll promise you I’ll try.”

                “Okay.” Right now, all he needed was Sam, Sam’s familiar smell and the way he laughed. Not _this_ Sam, upset from the treatment and the drugs.

 

He would have fallen asleep right then and there, his face buried in Sam’s PJ’s. They had gotten him out of his hospital gown the day before, so he would at least be a little bit more comfortable. Being in the hospital and in pain wasn’t a trip to the candy store; it was painful and uncomfortable, the gowns itched and the light was always too bright.

                “You zoned out on me for a little while.”

                “I didn’t sleep,” he shrugged before getting up. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

                “It’s okay.” He cupped his face in his hand, stroking along his cheek with his thumb. “The nurses didn’t mind that much. I promise I’ll bite their head off if they try. When you get home, you should go ahead and sleep a little.” Gabe sighed. “It would do you good.”

                “Yeah, I know.” He leaned in the touch. “You focus on getting better Sammy, I’ll focus on getting my sleep. How about that?”

                “Sounds good.”

 

Sam came home three days later. The hospital still wasn’t convinced completely of his wellbeing, but considering the fact that Mary was a nurse, they trusted the fact that he would come back when things went too far south. Gabriel tried to give him a little bit of space, to let his family spend time with him.

                He couldn’t stay away though, not completely. They still talked through Skype, but it wasn’t the same as seeing him in real life. Sam didn’t get out of his bedroom an awful lot, but that was okay. They watched movies and series, made out – there was a fair share of half-naked kissing involved that never went nearly far because their bodies didn’t seem to handle it – and talked. Talked an awful not.

                It wasn’t even that they had that much to talk about. There was almost nothing exciting that happened in their lives except for treatment and scans, but they always seemed to find something. Even if it was just about Castiel and Dean and their _very_ secret ‘secret’ relationship.

                Mary and John still didn’t know that the two of them were an actual thing now, and they probably wouldn’t know for a little while. Sam didn’t get what the big deal was about coming out. He had done so, yes, at the kitchen table while angry and yell, but he had come out to them. He got it though, things were different with Dean.

Dean had always been the one that flirted with girls and wouldn’t even come close to guys. Getting close to Castiel had changed his brother, for the better. They were almost sickeningly affectionate with each other. _Thank god_ he couldn’t actually hear it when they had sex, though he could always tell the next morning; the little red marks that they tried to hide or that foolish lovesick grin on Dean’s lips when he though Cas wasn’t looking.

                The thing was, Mary knew. Even though she pretended not to. One night, she had sat down on the bed next to Sam and just asked him. Asked him if his brother was seeing someone. Sam had reluctantly answered that _yes_ Dean was seeing somebody.

                “Sam, I need you to be honest with me,” she had said next, “I know your brother will get mad at me, but. I need to know. Are they dating?” He had answered a little reluctantly, but told her the truth. It wasn’t like she would be mad or anything. She had just smiled and nodded.

                “Just like I thought,” she said, “They are adorable together.” And that was all she said before she left his room.

 

Sam didn’t get a lot better. He took more medicine for the pain than he did at any point in the past, but he accepted it. At this point, he _knew_ that things weren’t going to get better, that he would be stuck with feeling sick and miserable. That was just the way that things were going to be.

                Sam wasn’t afraid of dying. All he was afraid of was leaving Gabriel behind. He was glad that he wouldn’t have to be around to see Gabe be sad because of it. He would have preferred it if things were the other way around, sure. That way, Gabriel wouldn’t know loss, he wouldn’t be sad, he wouldn’t know any of it. But, as things were, he would be the one of them to die first, not Gabriel.

                “You know, I love you Gabe,” he sighed. They had been Skype messaging all night.

                “This is the third time you said so today Sammy, I took the hint,” Gabriel smirked, turning around in his bed. It was two am, but neither of them seemed to be tired, not yet. “But, if it makes you feel better, I love you too. How have you been feeling Sammy?”

                “Tired, exhausted, in pain,” he muttered, shrugging. The pain in his joints and bones was almost too much to handle sometimes, not even the medicine that they gave him for it enough to take it all away. “I had another bloody nose today. Mom wants me to go in for more tests, but I don’t know.”

                “If Mary says you should, you should Samkins.”

                “I don’t want to stay in the hospital my last few weeks or months Gabe.” They had been talking a lot about those last few weeks and months lately. He didn’t even know why they talked about it that much, but it wasn’t that bad. It had allowed them to make plans on what to do. They had agreed to keep meeting with each other, even though things may not be good for them, even though one of them may not be doing well at that time. Even for things like being admitted to the hospital, “You know that.”

                “It’s probably what is going to happen though, you know that.”

                “Yeah, I know. I just don’t feel like going in, okay?” He sighed. “It’s just that they’ll probably find something else and I’ll have to be admitted, _again._ ” There was a short silence, in which Sam’s whole face fell. “You know how any meds I have to take for the pain already, I barely get out of bed as it is.”

                “It’s for your own good, Sam.” Gabriel readjusted the numbers on his oxygen concentrator. Sam knew the familiar little bleeps as he punched in the numbers. Gabriel knew that Sam knew that he was setting his settings higher. “You know your mother knows best, she _knows_ the signs when something is seriously wrong kiddo.”

                “You should go in too,” he interjected. “You’ve been upping your numbers a lot lately. How are _you_ doing Gabe?”

                “A cold. It’s just that. That’s all,” Gabriel lied smoothly. Truth was, he too was getting worse, needing more oxygen and more often. “Don’t worry about me. Today has been, good, ish.” He sighed, putting the mask back on. “I don’t know, I had some pain and there was the fainting spill, but I am good now. Mom tucked me into bed again after I collapsed downstairs.”

                “You should have told me earlier.” Sam was silent for a little while, fiddling with his blankets. “I hate not knowing how you are doing. Gabe, I may be getting worse, but don’t forget about yourself, okay?”

                “Okay Sammy.”

               

In the hospital the following day, they had Sam stay. They wouldn’t tell him why they were keeping him there, but Gabriel had a feeling. He had been tired more easily and usually slept through the complete day before staying up with him a few hours, until three am.

                He was on a ventilator on a low setting, a morphine pump and a heart rate monitor. It didn’t seem to be enough. Sam floated between consciousness and sleeping.

Sam had to stay in the hospital for five weeks; five long weeks in which Sam drifted off further and further. Five weeks in which Gabriel too ended up in the hospital. Sam had been talking to him through Skype when it happened.

                One moment, they were just talking and laughing and then the pain in his lungs had just become too much, the oxygen not enough. All he remembered was gasping for air and hearing his parents thunder up the steps with the telephone pressed to their ears.

                He woke up in the hospital with them draining his lungs and on c-pap. He hated it, hated not being able to talk properly, hated the sole fact that he needed it. That he needed the oxygen. Gabriel stayed in the hospital for two weeks, two weeks in which he barely got to see Sam.

After he was released, he sat beside Sam’s hospital bed all the time. His mother wanted to say something about it, knew that she wanted to, but she kept silent. One night, he could hear them talking about the fact that Sam wasn’t getting better. He wanted to join in and say that it were all lies, but it was the truth.

The last two weeks that Sam was in the hospital, he was barely awake. Gabriel watched as they put him on an oxygen machine and later even more morphine, as he started sleeping whole days and eventually, Gabriel watched as his heartbeat slowed, as his breathing slowed and eventually, as Sam’s heart took its last, struggling beats.


	10. Epilogue

_I’ll never be the same_

_I’m caught inside the memories, the promises_

_are yesterdays and I belong to you._

_I just can’t walk away_

_‘cause after loving you_

_I can never be the same._

_And how can I pretend I’ve never known you?_

_Like it was all a dream, no._

_I know I’ll never forget_

_the way I always felt with you beside me_

_and how you loved me then, yeah._

**Red, Never Be The Same**

 

* * *

 

 

 

Gabriel was in the room with the others as Sam died, surrounded by everybody that he loved. He passed away peacefully after being in an almost constant sleep for three days. His heart finally gave out due to sheer exhaustion, the cancer having spread through his entire body. There were very few things that Gabriel remembered of the days before, the days that Gabriel had spent at Sam’s side, hands clasped in his.

He never got to say goodbye; Sam never woke up enough to actually open his eyes. The doctors had said that it was a good death for a cancer patient. Apparently, he could have gone down with excruciating pain. Now, Sam just fell asleep, but he wouldn’t ever wake up. He’d never open those pretty eyes of him again.

All he could do was press a kiss to his hand and whisper, whisper how much he loved him, how much he always would love him. Even that was hard to do.

                “You’re my moon and stars,” he whispered before pressing a final kiss to his lips. They were still warm and pliant; chapped but still tasted like they had always done. Gabriel ignored the tears that streaked his face, he ignored how the nurses looked at him as he walked through the hallway and eventually sank down against the wall, clutching his legs to his chest as he sobbed, chest heaving. He couldn’t stay in the room afterwards. It had too many memories. Sam’s parents had to say goodbye now, they needed their chance to say goodbye to their baby boy.

                His oxygen tank was still in the room and he could barely breathe, but he didn’t care, didn’t care even a little bit. All there was, was darkness and emptiness, a feeling of loss. There was no air going into his lungs and it hurt, hurt like hell. But it was good, it felt good. It was a distraction.

                All he could think about was that damn hospital room and Sammy. He had been there with his hands in his lap a he sang his favorite songs to him while he slept, trying to keep him calm. He only did it when he was alone, when there was no one around to hear.

                He had loved it when one time, Sam had opened his eyes and smiled, whispered that he loved him. It was the last thing that Gabriel heard him say before he died. It broke his heart, knowing that his boyfriend had just passed away, decided that life wasn’t worth living anymore.

                Hated it, but _knew_ that Sam didn’t have any choice. Things could have gone completely different, he could have been the one getting sicker and sicker, and he could have been the one that was doomed to die. Gabriel wanted to be that one, take Sammy’s place. He’d switch if they asked him, he would switch places with him. Gabriel didn’t deserve to live this life, Sam did. Sam had been young, Sam had only been sick twice, Gabriel had been so all his life. He could hardly remember breathing. It would be so much better if he had been the one to die and _not_ Sammy.

                He deserved to. His life wasn’t worth _anything_ , Sam’s was.

 

Dean stepped out with his oxygen what felt like centuries later. Gabriel knew, since he was still sitting up without blacking out and he could actually breathe, that it hadn’t even been a minute since he ran out of there, of that place. It felt like centuries, years, months.

                “Gabe,” Dean sighed, voice thick with tears. “Here. He wouldn’t want you to get into trouble.” Gabriel laced the oxygen behind his ears, putting it back in place as his lungs happily soaked up the new oxygen.

                “Please don’t call me Gabe,” he whispered brokenly, voice raw from crying. “He called me Gabe and now he can’t.” Dean’s arms wrapped around him, both of them crying now. Gabriel didn’t even bother hiding how broken he felt, while Dean had a mask on. If there hadn’t been a few tears rolling down his face, you wouldn’t have been able to see just how bad he felt. But then again, that was just the way that Dean was, he was strong.

                “He’d want us to stay strong,” Dean whispered. “Sammy would want us to stay strong.”

                “But how?” Gabriel whispered back, “how?” He barely noticed the other footsteps in the hall, until Cas was suddenly right there too, hands on both their shoulders. Castiel was stronger than them, even though he too had eyes that were red. He adored Sam too, and well, Sam had loved Cas too. If anything, Sam had been the one that actually got Dean to come out to his parents about their relationship because he knew how much it was hurting the both of them to stay silent.

                “Here,” he whispered, giving Gabriel a cup of something warm, “I know you are not thirsty right now, but, it’ll help you feel better. Just a little.” He took the cup and put it to his lips with trembling hands, signing as the warm coffee slid down his throat. It burned on the way down. “Let it cool down first. You’ll burn your lips.”

                “That’s the point,” he whispered, barely loud enough for the others to hear, “that’s the whole freaking point.”

 

The darkness that followed Sam’s death was like a black hole that swallowed him, a hole that had no end. His sadness and grieve seemed to fall right through. It was oblivion. For days, he didn’t eat or sleep, he just laid in his bed and cried. Before, he never allowed himself to cry when his mother or others were around, but now? He no longer cared, he no longer gave a fuck whether others saw how broken he was. It was what he felt. As if there was a hole where his heart used to be.

                His heart that had fallen to pieces on the ground, each piece as sharply edged as he tried to pick them back up, piece it together again. He tried to keep his promise and live happy, he really did, but ended up with more cuts, with deeper cuts, with glass in his fingers and an ugly scar to show just how bad it all was. He _tried_ he really did. It just wasn’t worth it.

                Worst of it all was the numbness. The way that he lowered the numbers on his oxygen concentrator so that he would feel the pain, so that he would feel _anything_ else than the missing that was always there. The lack of oxygen cut through his lungs like a knife, but it wouldn’t leave any scars, just like losing Sam didn’t leave any visible scars.

                He contemplated it often, putting his nails in his skin just so it would hurt, just so he would have a visual reminder of his pain, but he didn’t. And the reason he didn’t? Sam would hate him for it, because he promised Sam that he would try to move on. He had promised him something even though he knew that he would break the promise that he had made without even attempting to work it all out.

                He was trying, trying so damn hard, it just wouldn’t go away. The pain was everywhere. Hearing the date of the funeral was worst of all, worst because he now had a solid answer on when he would last see Sammy. The last time that he could see the first person that he had loved with his whole heart, the first person that he had curled up with and talked. Really talked about things that he didn’t even want to talk about with his family.

                Sam had known, known just how bad his fear of dying was, just how bad he feared that he would be in pain, that he would die and there would be nothing waiting for him, no afterlife, that he would just disappear and that everybody would just forget about him. That it would be like he had never even been there in the first place.

                And now, it was Sam that was gone. The Sam that had promised him that if Gabriel died, that he would never _ever_ forget his smile or his goofy jokes. He would never forget how when they crawled in bed at night, they fit together like two pieces of the same puzzle. He promised him he would never forget the way Gabriel was Sam’s compass to the stars. That with Gabriel, he would always find a way back home, just by being with him.

 

After a while, it was easy to forget whether it was night or day, whether the sun was out or not. He stayed in bed whole days, not even bothering to pretend to eat the food that his mother left for him on his bedside table. He wasn’t hungry, he wasn’t thirsty; all he needed was the pain that Sam left, the pain in his lungs and the pain in his heart.

                All he needed was to hear that steady heartbeat one more time, to know that Sammy was there. Gabriel didn’t care if he was dying too. He couldn’t even fathom what it would be like in a world that had no Sammy; didn’t know how to survive if Sam didn’t.

                The pain was like a knife cutting through his chest time after time after time, until it was nothing but ribbons of flesh, flesh and something else, pain. He was blood and pain and raw flesh and it hurt, hurt like hell, but he couldn’t allow the pain to stop. It was his only reminder of Sammy.

                His lungs got used to the lack of oxygen after a while. They still ached and his lips and fingers started turning blue, but he didn’t care. He pretended not to notice it when his mother came in to up his oxygen numbers again, pretended that it all didn’t matter. They were down again the second she left the room anyway.

                Gabriel knew that it would land him in the hospital at one point, but he didn’t care. It wouldn’t bring Sammy back to earth, but maybe, it would bring him back to Sammy.

 

Hester and Hael were the best sisters that he could wish for. One night, they both crawled next to him while he had just fallen asleep. They had heard him cry and said that they knew it was because of Sammy. That they knew that Gabriel missed him, and that they did too. That they missed Sammy too.

                It ended up in all of them crying even more, but at least for a second, he didn’t feel alone. Not alone in the grief that tore through every muscle in his body, that ran in his blood. They slept huddled close together, easily fitting in the spaces Sam used to occupy.  

                It was bittersweet when he woke up the following morning with lung pain, an ache in his bones but with the feeling that Sam was there. Only when he opened his eyes did he notice that it were his sisters that were there and not Sammy. He tried to stay strong, but ended up crying for three hours straight.

                After that night, he heard Hael talk to their mother about how she could feel Gabriel’s bones even more now. He could hear his mother’s answer, they’d bring him to the hospital if he didn’t eat in after the funeral. In the hospital, they could hook him up to an IV and he’d regain some of his strength.

                That day, the funeral day crept up on everyone in the family, like a dark cloud looming over him. Three more days, two more days and then, one more day. The days before, he actually drank some coke and ate a little bit. He only did it because his mother told him he wouldn’t even be able to say goodbye to Sam without being in a wheelchair if he wouldn’t. The only reason that he ate the toast was that he wanted to walk and prove to Sam that he was strong.

 

The day felt long and exhausting. Just getting up in the morning was like fighting a battle, but he won that one. He didn’t want to be the one that broke down, that thought it was unfair, even though he was. Gabriel knew that he was the one that seemed to take Sam’s passing the hardest. Even Dean dealt with it better, and he had been around Sammy for eighteen years, had seen Gabriel’s Sasquatch grow up.

                His parents tiptoed around him all morning, carefully trying not to step on any triggers. Gabriel appreciated the effort, he really did, but it just wasn’t working. He saw Sammy everywhere, his behavior in the smallest things.

                He sighed as he stepped in front of his mirror, readjusting his shirt. He was nowhere near ready, nowhere near chic enough for this. He had a suit, but it was too big on him. Gabriel had tried on the pants before, put they slipped right off again. Apparently, lying in bed all day and not eating worked even better in terms of weight loss than having cancer and chemo did.

                It was almost like he was a walking skeleton sometimes. Or at least, he felt like on as he stepped out of the bath and felt the way that his ribs brushed against the sides, felt like a skeleton as he put on his sweatpants and barely felt them around his legs, even though they had been pretty tight a few months ago.

                “Are you ready Gabe?” Cas asked from his doorway, a worried look in his eyes. Cas and Dean would pick him up at his house because his parents didn’t have the heart to see him break down in front of a ton of people. He nodded absently before pulling his beanie over his head. The last reminder of his cancer that he wanted to show to the world

                “Cas, don’t call me Gabe, please,” he whispered, not wanting the nickname to be used by anyone else but Sammy, “I’m ready.” His voice was already trembling, heart already breaking at the sole thought of saying goodbye to Sammy. But he stayed strong, pulled his scarf around and followed Castiel out.

 

The church was, as a church was supposed to be, cold and the service heart wrenching. If he didn’t pay attention, he started crying just looking at the coffin in front of the church. The Winchester’s allowed him to sit with them instead of a little bit more to the back, where is other friends sat.

                “You are family,” Dean had said with a shrug as they all sat down, “you can sit with us.” They had asked him to speak about Sam. Even though he had been reluctant to do so at first, he walked to the front of the church with his little piece of paper anyway. His legs trembled with effort, but he had to succeed.

                “I am Gabriel,” he started with trembling hands, “and I was Sam’s boyfriend.” There was a short silence. “I cannot begin to describe my Sasquatch. He was perfect in every way for me, even though I know he too had his flaws. His stubbornness was one of them. That stubbornness was what landed him in the hospital in the first place. But I don’t even begin to say that any of this was his fault. It was a sick leap of faith, it was a mistake in the hands of God.

                “What I will remember about Sammy is his love for Castle. I remember before we started dating.” He was smiling without really putting meaning behind it. It was an automatic response to the memories floating around in his head. “We would watch movies and TV series together all the time. It was our habit. Even through Skype. We’d watch and talk until two am or until my parents decided that they’d had enough of us talking, that they just wanted one night of good sleep.” A few people actually laughed at this a little. “We had plenty of those.

                “I will remember how he played with Hester and Hael all the time, how he was their big brother almost. They invited him into our lives with open arms and I cannot even begin to fathom how different that could be. How they could hate him. But they didn’t. Nobody couldn’t not love Sammy. He was happy and vibrant, even when he was dying. Even in his last days.

                “Sammy was my sunshine. We met when he were both getting better, and now _I_ am the only one that gets to say goodbye. It’s just not fair. Not by a long shot. Sammy deserved to live.” He choked up, tears streaming down his face now. “He always deserved so much more than he got.

                “One time, and I will always remember that, he told me that I was his compass to the stars,” he was smiling slightly now, “he told me that the stars were a happy place for him, that he could look at the stars for hours without getting bored of them. He told me that he wasn’t just happy when he was around the stars lately, but also when he was with me.” He bit his lip. “Damn it Sammy. I love you.”

 

**THE END.**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Even stars burn out [art]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3837163) by [KD-art (KDHeart)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KDHeart/pseuds/KD-art)




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